How to Use The Anger Iceberg:

Be Curious When Anger Expressed

When you download this tool you will also get directions and support on how to use this tool with your family!

In some families, anger is seen as more acceptable than other emotions. A person might express anger in order to mask emotions that cause them to feel vulnerable, such as hurt or shame. This can especially be true for our tweens and teens whose brains are not fully developed and are learning how to emotionally regulate (see the Adolescent Brain workshop for more).

Anger is an emotion that tends to be easy to see. However, anger is often just the tip of the iceberg. Other emotions may be hidden beneath the surface.
If you have an angry tween or teen, this is a great tool to illustrate what else might be going on underneath their anger.

This tool can be used in all of your relationships. When you, your tween or teen, spouse, or someone else is angry, get curious and ask yourself, “What might be going on underneath the anger they are expressing? Are they hurt? Do they feel misunderstood? Do they not feel heard? Do they not feel like they matter?”