My Son Is Pulling Away and It’s Breaking My Heart

Maybe it was when his voice began changing and getting deeper, or the summer when he grew taller than me.

Or perhaps it was the night when he closed the book and kindly broke the news that he no longer wanted to read The Hobbit with me beside his bed.

Or could it have been when he began to come home from school, grab his snack, and go up to his room?

Somewhere along the way, he stopped following me around the house like he did when he was young. He was no longer the chatterbox who went on and on about every part of his day. It was like overnight he became a miniature grown-up who needed to decompress alone after school and tried to hide his emotions when I sensed he was upset.

He was no longer my little boy. Before my very eyes, he was becoming a young man. It happened so gradually and so suddenly, all at the same time.

When my son entered high school, it hit me that our relationship was changing, and I wasn’t prepared for it.

So many moms email me asking the same thing: “How do I connect with my son now that our relationship is changing?” or “How do I get my teen boy to talk to me?”

If you have a tween or teen son, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You know how your heart can ache. You miss the cuddles, the bedtime books, the kisses good night. Maybe you wonder if you savored those days enough, when your little boy looked at you like you were the most important person in the world.

Mama, I’m here to reassure you: your son still loves you and needs you just as much as he did when he was little. He just needs you differently.

Why is my son pulling away from me?

It feels personal. It almost never is. Here’s what’s actually going on:

• His brain is wired to look outward. A Stanford Medicine study found that around age 13, the reward centers in kids’ brains start responding more to unfamiliar voices than to their own mom’s voice. Boys and girls showed the same shift. It isn’t rejection. It’s the brain getting him ready to build a life of his own.
• Distance in the early teen years is normal, and it often gets better. A long-term study of adolescents found that from about 12 to 16, kids tend to move away from parents and feel more conflict, and from about 16 to 20, many relationships with parents improve again.
• Many boys don’t see the point of “talking it out.” In four studies of kids ages 8 to 17, boys weren’t more embarrassed than girls to talk about problems. They were more likely to expect it to feel “weird” or like a waste of time. That’s why the way we invite conversation matters so much.

And here’s the part I want you to hold onto: your connection still matters enormously. In a large national study of teens in grades 7 to 12, feeling connected to family was linked with lower risk across nearly every health risk the researchers measured. And it was feeling loved and cared for that mattered, more than simply having a parent at home more hours.

So no, you’re not losing him. You’re learning a new way to love him.

How do I connect with my son when he’s pulling away? 9 things moms need to know

1. He still needs you, just differently.

Even if it looks like your presence doesn’t matter as much, your son still needs you just as much as he did when he was younger. You just need to learn to connect with him in a new way. For more on this, read If Your Teen Son Pushes You Away, I Promise He Still Loves You.

2. It’s not you.

It hurts when our sons stop wanting to talk or hang out. It can feel like we’re doing something wrong, like we’re a discarded shoe and they’re not even thinking about us.

It’s not personal. This is part of his growth and his need to become more independent. The next time you feel like chopped liver, remind yourself not to take it personally. Trust me, you still matter more than you could know, and he still loves you.

3. Give him space (but not too much).

Your son is entering a new chapter, trying to figure out what it means to become a young man (which is really hard for us to relate to!). Take a step back, but not too far.

• With a tween: “I’m going to let you have some downtime after school. I’ll be in the kitchen if you want a snack or company.”
• With a teen: “Take the time you need. I’m around tonight if you want to talk, and if not, that’s okay too.”

4. Be there, but don’t talk so much.

When your son starts pulling away, the first thing you may want to do (if you’re like me) is follow him around and ask questions:

“How are you doing?” “What’s going on?” “How are your friends?” “Have you done your homework?” “Did you brush your teeth?”

No wonder they don’t want to talk to us! Pelting our sons with questions never works.

When my son finally came around to talk to me, it took a real effort to hide my overwhelming relief and happiness. I felt giddy when he’d tell me about his day, and scared he’d smell my glee and retreat back into his teenage solitude.

Boys are like cats and turtles. If you follow them around, talk too much, or chase them down, they’ll go hide or retreat into their shell.

Treat them like birds instead. Hang around. Sit down. Be there. Toss out a little “birdseed” now and then so they know you’re there. They will come to you when they’re ready.

Side by side works better than face to face for a lot of boys: in the car, shooting hoops, cooking together, or late at night. (Those late-night conversations are real, Mama. Stay up a little later if you can.)

5. Listen without judging or criticizing.

Often we don’t realize our tone or comments sound critical. Notice if you’re focusing more on the negative: what he’s not doing, or what he’s doing that irritates you.

Give him the freedom to voice his own thoughts, even when you disagree. Instead of telling him he’s wrong or getting into a power struggle, try:

• With a tween: “Huh, I didn’t think of it that way. Tell me more.”
• With a teen: “That’s interesting. How did you come to that conclusion?”

And aim for far more warm moments than corrections. If the only time he hears from you is when something’s wrong, he’ll start tuning you out.

6. Don’t give advice unless you ask first.

Catch yourself when you start lecturing, nagging, or telling him what he should do. It shuts the conversation down fast. Ask first if he wants your advice.

He will make mistakes, and it’s important to let him learn from them. Instead of jumping in to fix or rescue, ask:

• “What do you think?”
• “What might help?”
• “Do you want ideas, or do you just need me to listen?”

This shows him you believe he’s capable of figuring things out. That’s character-building, and it means more to him than any lecture.

7. Show him random acts of kindness.

Small, unexpected kindnesses build connection without a single word. Make his favorite breakfast before a big test. Leave a note in his backpack or send a quick text: “Proud of how hard you worked on that.” Pick up the snack he loves. These little things tell our boys we’re thinking of them.

8. Let him make his own decisions, and let that be okay.

Forcing boys to talk, or to do something they don’t want to do, rarely works. Offer choices and let him have a real say. You’ll still be part of the decisions that truly matter. Just pick the ones that do.

9. Inspire him.

Be an example of a woman who respects herself, has integrity, and is living her own life, trying new things and stepping outside her comfort zone. He’s watching more than you think.

When is pulling away more than normal?

Most pulling away is healthy growing up. But trust your gut and reach out to his doctor or a counselor if you notice:

• He’s withdrawing from friends too, not just from you
• Big changes in sleep, eating, or grades that last more than a couple of weeks
• He’s lost interest in things he used to love
• He seems hopeless, or talks about not wanting to be here

If you’re ever worried about his safety, call or text 988 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline in the U.S.) right away.

Questions moms ask about sons pulling away

At what age do boys pull away from their mothers?

Many moms notice it between about 11 and 14, often around puberty or the start of middle or high school. Every boy is different, so it may come earlier or later for yours.

Is it normal for my teenage son to not want to talk to me?

Yes. Talking less with parents is a normal part of the tween and teen years. What helps most is staying warm and available, asking fewer questions, and being nearby during side-by-side moments like car rides, meals, and late nights.

Will my son come back to me?

For most families, yes. Research shows many relationships with parents improve again in the later teen years. My own son and I are close today, and I hear the same from so many moms in our community.

How do I get my tween or teen son to open up?

Ask less and listen more. Talk side by side instead of face to face, don’t jump in with advice, and stay calm when he does share. That makes it more likely he’ll come back to you next time. You’ll find more ideas in 16 Tips on How to Connect With Your Teen Son.

You’re doing better than you think

Learning to navigate our sons growing up isn’t an exact science, just like every other part of motherhood. We’re not going to do it perfectly. I worried I’d blow it every step of my son’s tween and teen years. Today he assures me I did better than okay, and we’d both tell you how close we are.

So this week, try just one thing. Ask one less question. Sit in the room a little longer. Toss out a little birdseed. And keep praying for that boy of yours. God loves him even more than you do, and that’s saying a lot.

Want to understand him even more? Read 9 Things a Teen Boy Wants His Mom to Know and my roundup, Understanding Tween and Teen Boys.

xo Sheryl

About Sheryl Gould: Sheryl is the founder of Moms of Tweens and Teens and a Parent and Relationship Coach with 18 years of experience helping moms stay connected to their kids through the tween and teen years. She’s a mom of three, author of SOS! The Technology Guidebook for Parents of Tweens and Teens, and host of the Moms of Tweens and Teens podcast.