9 Things a Teen Boy Wants His Mom to Know
The short answer: I asked my grown son what he wanted from me as a tween and teen. He said: listen more than you advise, give me room to make my own choices, take an interest in what I love, don’t tell me how to feel, be on my team, notice what I’m doing well, have fun with me, and be honest without criticizing. And even when I pushed you away, I still needed you.
We rarely talk about how painful it is when our sons begin to put some necessary distance between us, and we realize we need to start letting go so they can become young men.
When my son was little, I knew the dance steps. We’d cuddle and read books, run to the grocery store together, and he’d hang out with me in the kitchen and tell me all about his day. As he got older, he began to pull away. It was heartbreaking, really. Honestly, it was a grieving process.
I didn’t know the new dance steps. When he did want to talk, I’d get so excited that I was afraid he’d smell my glee and retreat back into his teenage solitude.
So many moms ask me, “How do I connect with my son now that our relationship is changing?” or “How do I get my teen boy to talk to me?” So I went straight to the source. I asked my twenty-four-year-old son to look back on what he wanted and needed from me when he was a tween and teen.
Here’s his list at a glance:
- I’m worried about this new chapter of my life.
- I just need you to listen.
- Back off a little bit.
- Show interest in the stuff I care about.
- Don’t tell me how to feel.
- Be on my team.
- Notice what I’m doing well.
- Worry less and have fun with me more.
- Always be straight with me.
What does a tween or teen boy want from his mom?
My son’s answers line up with what researchers are finding, too:
- Room to choose lifts their mood. In a 2023 study in Child Development, kids ages 11 to 18 checked in several times a day for a week. When they felt a parent supported their independence, they felt happier in that moment and a few hours later. When they felt controlled, they felt worse.
- Many boys don’t see the point of “talking it out.” In four studies of kids ages 8 to 17, boys were more likely than girls to expect talking about problems to feel “weird” or like a waste of time. Listening without pushing matters.
- Over-the-top praise can backfire. Researchers found that kids who already felt unsure of themselves backed away from challenges after hearing inflated praise like “You’re incredibly good at this.” Honest, specific encouragement about effort works better.
9 things a teen boy wants his mom to know (in my son’s words)
1. I’m worried about this new chapter of my life.
“There are a lot of changes going on in my life. Secretly, I’m afraid to grow up. On the one hand, I want to be independent. On the other, it’s scary to think about being an adult and taking on so much responsibility. So when you ask me a bunch of questions, it can really stress me out. I still love you. I just need some space to learn my own way.”
2. I just need you to listen.
“I know you care, but I don’t always need advice. It would feel really good if you asked me before you gave it. Sometimes I just need someone to listen and trust that I can figure it out.”
Try saying: “Do you want my ideas, or do you just need me to listen right now?”
3. Back off a little bit.
“I want more freedom and independence. It’s important that you let me make decisions on my own and let that be okay. I especially don’t like being pelted with questions, or having you look over my shoulder and keep reminding me.”
- With a tween: “You can pick: homework before or after dinner. Your call.”
- With a teen: “I trust you to figure out your plan for the weekend. Just let me know where you’ll be.”
4. Show interest in the stuff I care about.
“Even if it’s not your thing (sports, music, my favorite video game), understand that it’s really important to me. I like it when you sit with me while I play my favorite game or watch my favorite YouTube channel with me. I know it’s not important to you, but it means a lot to me when you show an interest.”
Try saying: “Show me how this works. Who’s your favorite player?”
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5. Even if you’ve been there before, don’t tell me how to feel.
“Instead of ‘You shouldn’t feel stressed,’ say ‘It’s okay to feel stressed’ or ‘I get why you’d feel stressed.’ Let me share my frustration and give me space to sort it out without feeling like you have to fix it.”
6. Be on my team.
“If I’m down, empathize with me, even if you know it isn’t a big deal. It’s a big deal to me. If I’m happy about something, really be happy with me. I don’t want to feel like you’re out to get me. I want to feel like you’re my number one fan.”
7. Notice what I’m doing well.
“It means a lot when you notice what I’m doing well day to day, instead of what I’m not doing or doing wrong. I won’t tell you to your face, but your encouragement means the world to me. It makes me want to do more of the things that please you.”
Try saying: “I noticed how hard you worked on that, even when it got frustrating.” Notice his effort and character, not just his grades or scores.
8. Worry less and have fun with me more.
“I really like it when you’re happy to see me and laugh with me, instead of worrying so much and asking me so many questions. Honestly, this might mean more than anything: when you and I have fun together.”
9. Always be straight with me.
“I need honest, constructive feedback sometimes, but how you say it matters. I don’t need you to criticize me when you set me straight. I’m learning how I affect other people, and I have blind spots. I also don’t need you to praise me all the time to pump me up. That feels even worse. I want you to be honest while understanding that I’m still learning.”
What I believe your son would say, if he had the words
“I know it isn’t easy for you now that I’m getting older and not your little boy anymore. Even though I push you away, I still love you just as much. I’m trying to figure out how to be a young man who doesn’t need his mom the same way I did when I was little. I want to be close to you, and I still need you just as much as before, just differently. So don’t go away, Mom, even if you think I want you to. Keep believing in me and showing up, because you are still the most important woman in my life.”
Questions moms ask about tween and teen boys
Why won’t my teenage son talk to me?
Most tween and teen boys talk less with their parents as they grow more independent. It’s usually not about you. Fewer questions, side-by-side time (car rides, games, late nights), and listening without fixing make it more likely he’ll open up. I share more in My Son Is Pulling Away and It’s Breaking My Heart.
What does a teenage boy need from his mom?
He needs you to listen, trust him with more choices, care about what he cares about, and be honest with him in a kind way. Most of all, he needs to know you’re still on his team, even when he acts like he doesn’t need you.
How do I stop nagging my son?
Agree on the few things that truly matter, give one calm reminder, and then let natural consequences do the teaching. Swap some of those reminders for noticing what he’s doing well.
Should I praise my teen son?
Yes, but keep it honest and specific. “You stuck with that even when it was hard” means more to him than “You’re amazing!” Over-the-top praise can make kids shy away from challenges.
You’re still the most important woman in his life
Mama, if your heart is aching right now, I’ve been there. Learning these new dance steps takes time, and you don’t have to get it perfect. Pick one thing from my son’s list to try this week. Ask one less question. Sit with him while he plays his game. Laugh together.
And keep praying for that boy of yours. God is writing his story, and you get to be part of it.
Want to go deeper? Read 16 Things Your Teen Son Won’t Tell You and My Teenage Son Is Changing: What Can I Do?
xo Sheryl
Mama, you don’t have to do this alone
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About Sheryl Gould: Sheryl is the founder of Moms of Tweens and Teens and a Parent and Relationship Coach with 18 years of experience helping moms stay connected to their kids through the tween and teen years. She’s a mom of three, author of SOS! The Technology Guidebook for Parents of Tweens and Teens, and host of the Moms of Tweens and Teens podcast.
Just wanted thank both you are and your son for this article. I found it very helpful and appreciate you sharing what you’ve learned.
Thank you so much Laura!
Ok I’m sobbing. But wow that was powerful. You elicited my grief, my sadness,.. you touched on my desperation and my failures.
Thank you and THANK YOUR SON!!!! HIS words were like secret keys.
Letting go of our sons is so hard, but they will come back!
This is exactly what I needed to read!! I’ve been doing ALL the wrong things with my son. I hope I can correct this without too much damage to our relationship. I’m printing this out so I can remember every little bit of this. He’s 17 and letting go so so hard!
Nedra, it is NEVER too late!!!
After raising two daughters, who are now grown & out of the house, I have been sort of confused & sad about the turn that my relationship with my teenaged son has been taking. But, this article just explained so much (and was all so familiar to me.) I can’t thank both of you enough for writing it!
Your article was truly a gift to me this morning. We have just arrived in this new space and I intellectually know what it means, the new dance we need to learn, but we don’t talk enough about how painful it is. Reading HIS perspective was helpful and insightful. The words at the end made me cry for all the right reasons. Thank you.
Omg this article made me cry. It is exactly my relationship with my boy. I feel exactly this way and find myself always pushing him so hard. I always feel like he doesn’t need or want me and it breaks my heart. He is all I have. He is 15 now and I remember him always telling me I was his best friend and talking my ears off. We did everything together and as soon as he became a teen he pulled away. I just want him back and hope it comes when he is past his teen years! Thank you again for this article. It really helps!