What To Do When Your Teen is Hanging With The Wrong Crowd

One of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with as a mom was when my daughter was hanging out with the “wrong crowd” in high school. When I think back to that time, all the painful feelings come flooding back.

I spent many sleepless nights worrying about the choices she might be making. I was angry and felt powerless. “Why does my kid want to hang out with a crowd that’s only bringing her down?” “How can I get her away from these kids?”

One night stands out. Our daughter was grounded, and her friends sat in the driveway honking the horn. As she dashed for the door, my husband yelled, “You can’t leave this house!” She yelled back, “Try and make me stay home!” It turned into a wrestling match at the front door. She started crying and screaming, “You don’t understand me! Only my friends do!”

She was right.

If you’re relating, you may be feeling powerless and desperate too. Years later, my daughter and I have had many honest conversations about what she needed from us back then, and how my husband and I could have reacted differently. Here’s what we learned.

9 things that make all the difference, at a glance:

1. Fight the urge to criticize their friends.
2. Put your relationship first.
3. Become a safe place.
4. Don’t blame it all on the “bad” kids.
5. Share your concerns, specifically and calmly.
6. Have clear expectations and rules.
7. Be curious and ask good questions.
8. Tell them, “I believe in you.”
9. Make home a safe, loving, and fun place.

Why do tweens and teens choose the “wrong” friends?

At this age, belonging matters more than almost anything. Our kids are figuring out who they are apart from us, and their friends feel like home. Here’s what researchers have found:

• Friends watching changes how risky a choice feels. In a Temple University brain-scan study, teens took more chances in a driving game when friends were watching, and the reward centers of their brains lit up more. Adults didn’t change. That’s why who they’re with matters, and why our rules still matter too.
• Banning friends can backfire. In a 2024 study of 562 kids ages 9 to 14, when moms disapproved of or banned friends in response to behavior problems, the kids’ standing with classmates got worse, and so did their behavior. The researchers suggest warm relationships and supervised activities instead.
• What they choose to tell you matters more than tracking. In a study of more than 1,000 14-year-olds, parents knew the most about their teens’ lives when the teens freely told them, not from watching and checking up. Kids who felt controlled tended to do worse.

So the goal isn’t to win the battle over their friends. It’s to stay the person they come home and talk to.

What should I do when my teen hangs out with the wrong crowd? 9 things that help

1. Fight the urge to criticize their friends.

To protect my daughter, I kept pointing out all the reasons her friends were “bad” for her. It never worked.

We can’t control who our kids choose as friends. The more we try, the more it drives a wedge, and the more we become the enemy. In the tween and teen years, friends become more important than anyone. When we criticize them, even if our kids know we’re right, they’ll defend them every time.

2. Put your relationship first, and love them like crazy.

In my fear, I forgot what I was fighting for. No wonder she wanted to be with those friends. She felt accepted and liked by them.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s to put your relationship with your tween or teen above all else. Instead of playing defense to keep them away from the “bad kids,” play offense and fight for your relationship. Get curious about their deeper needs: to matter, to belong, and to feel good about themselves. Then look for healthy ways to meet those needs.

3. Become a safe place.

We want our kids to know they can tell us anything and we won’t freak out. When we put our fears aside and listen without judgment, we become a safe place, and they don’t feel the need to look for it somewhere else.

4. Don’t blame it all on the “bad” kids.

I wanted to believe it wasn’t my kid. It was those other kids leading her down the wrong path. I see this thinking all the time with the parents I coach.

There are no “bad” kids, only kids making bad choices, often because they’re struggling, hurting, or longing to belong. Our kids are drawn to friends who feel similar to them. Nothing changes until we ask why our kid wants to be with them, and how we can help them meet that need in healthier ways.

5. Share your concerns, specifically and calmly.

Sharing a concern is different from judging, and it’s far more effective. Let them know you understand their friends matter to them, then be specific. Say it once, keep it simple, and don’t keep repeating yourself.

• With a tween: “I know you really like Jordan. I’m not okay with the mean things that group says about other kids. I want you to be someone who’s kind.”
• With a teen: “I understand your friends are important to you. I’m worried because Erica got in trouble for smoking pot. I don’t want you using drugs. I want good things for you.”

6. Have clear expectations and rules.

You can’t control your kid’s friends, but you can be clear about your expectations and rules while they live in your home. Don’t be afraid to say no. Kids earn privileges like the car, time with friends, and phones by acting responsibly. Our job is to hold them accountable.

Make it clear: “No matter what you see your friends doing, there’s no using drugs or vaping. That’s our expectation.” No lecture, no yelling. Calmly state it, expect them not to like it, empathize, and stand firm.

You can also limit time with certain friends, or ask them to hang out at your house where there’s an adult around. Your kid may push back or defy you. When the rules are clear from the start, you can follow through with consequences.

7. Be curious and ask good questions.

Questions help our kids reflect on their choices far better than telling them what to do. Brace yourself, keep an open mind, and really listen to the answers.

• “Tell me what you like about Sue and Holly.”
• “How do you feel when you’re around them?”
• “Do they bring out the person you want to be?”

When kids hear themselves talk it through, they start to notice whether their choices match their values and who they want to become. That’s how character grows.

8. Tell them, “I believe in you.”

Without realizing it, my husband and I were sending our daughter the message, “We don’t trust you to make good decisions.”

Plants grow according to the seeds we sow. Our words are seeds, and our kids often bear the fruit of what we speak over them. They need to hear, “I believe in your ability to make good decisions.” I know it can feel backwards when they’re making poor choices. Say it anyway. Kids rise to the words we speak into them.

9. Make home a safe, loving, and fun place.

Ask yourself honestly: is your home a place your tween or teen wants to be? If not, think about why and what you could change. Open your doors to their friends. Help them find positive activities, like a sport, a job, youth group, or a passion project. If your kid loves living on the edge, look for healthy ways to let that part of them shine.

Some kids are more rebellious than others, and part of it is developmental. They’re figuring out who they are apart from us. What we learned with our daughter: the more we tried to control, the harder she fought and the tighter she held onto those friends. She needed to know we were on her side, and that our limits came from love.

When is it more than just the wrong crowd?

Reach out to your kid’s doctor, a counselor, or another trusted professional if you notice:

• Signs of drug or alcohol use, or vaping
• Trouble with the law, or friends who are much older
• Big changes in sleep, eating, grades, or mood that last more than a couple of weeks
• Withdrawing from family completely, or talking about not wanting to be here

For free, confidential help with substance use, call the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. If you’re ever worried about your kid’s safety, call or text 988 right away.

Questions moms ask about the wrong crowd

Should I forbid my teen from seeing certain friends?

Forbidding friends often backfires and can push kids closer to them. It usually works better to set clear rules about behavior, limit unsupervised time, invite friends to your home, and share your specific concerns. If a friend puts your kid in real danger, it’s okay to draw a firm line.

How do I talk to my tween or teen about a friend I don’t like?

Start with curiosity: ask what they like about the friend. Then share one specific concern about a behavior, not the person, and leave it there. Short and calm works better than a lecture.

Why does my teen care more about friends than family?

It’s a normal part of growing up. Friends help tweens and teens figure out who they are apart from their parents. They still need you, and a strong relationship at home is one of the best protections you can give them.

Will my teen grow out of the wrong crowd?

Many do, especially when they know home is a safe place to come back to. My daughter is grown now, and she has thanked us many times for caring and wanting the best for her.

Hold on to hope, Mama

This was as much a learning process for us as it was for our daughter. Our kids are going to make mistakes, some more than others. But the more we accept them, love them, and guide them with clear limits and follow-through, the better the chance they’ll come around.

Keep praying for your kid, and for yourself. God sees the whole story, even the chapters that feel the hardest right now.

You might also find these helpful: How to Parent a Strong-Willed Tween or Teen, 10 Tips on Talking to Your Tween or Teen About Vaping, and Am I Failing My Kids by Enabling Them?

xo Sheryl

About Sheryl Gould: Sheryl is the founder of Moms of Tweens and Teens and a Parent and Relationship Coach with 18 years of experience helping moms stay connected to their kids through the tween and teen years. She’s a mom of three, author of SOS! The Technology Guidebook for Parents of Tweens and Teens, and host of the Moms of Tweens and Teens podcast.