Moms of Tweens and Teens

  • Home
  • Workshops
    • Workshops
    • Member Login
  • Podcast
  • Store
    • Store
    • Gift Guides
  • Contact
    • Contact Me For Coaching
    • Speaking
    • Contact Me
    • Write For Moms of Tweens and Teens
  • About
    • My Story
    • You’re Not Crazy, You’re Not a Bad Parent, and No Your Teen Really Doesn’t Hate You
    • Resources
      • Support
      • Parenting Resources
      • Help for Troubled Teens
      • Substance Abuse and Addiction
      • Mental Health (Depression / Suicide)
      • Learning Challenges ADHD, Autism
  • Blog

How Do You Deal With An Underachiever?

November 10, 2020 By Sheryl Gould

10 Nov
Share
Tweet
Pin
Share
Reddit
628 Shares

I know how exhausted and frustrating you can get from arguing and fighting when you’re kid isn’t doing their homework. It’s hard to get your head around why your kid doesn’t seem to care. It can drive us crazy!

Well, I just want you to know momma that you’re not alone! I have been there and, you’ve come to the right place!

 

You may be reading this and be wondering if your kid is going to flunk a class, graduate from high school, or grow up and care about anything. And as a parent that is scary. (for more of my story to bring you comfort and some insights click HERE)

 

And, here’s what I’ve learned….

 

There are two common mistakes moms make when it comes to attempting to motivate their kids.

 

See if you relate to any of these….

 

#1 Fear is in the driver’s seat.

 

If you have an unmotivated tween or teen this can be a source of worry and fear and even despair. 

 

The problem with fear, is it fuels our reactivity. And when fear is in the driver’s seat we are never very effective in our approach. 

 

We wind up caring more than they do and it becomes a power struggle. We nag, we lecture, we give them doomsday predictions of what might happen if they don’t study. Basically, we attempt to twist their arm all to no avail. And then it frustrates us that much more and it causes a huge wedge in the relationship. 

 

The truth…tweens and teens are huge resistors (especially our strong-willed kiddos!) It doesn’t work. They will only dig their heels in that much more.

 

#2 You believe that on some level it’s your fault if your kid isn’t studying, doing their homework, or appears to care less if they’re failing.

 

As parents, we often feel responsible for our kid’s choices and outcomes. 

 

The problem with believing the lie that it’s somehow our responsibility to motivate our kids to want certain things, is then we jump into their “yard” when we’re not invited.  This only causes them to resist and push up against us when we attempt to control their outcomes. This approach will not motivate them.

 

We simply can’t make our kids do anything – unfortunately. It will backfire every time. 

 

What you can do instead…

 

When it comes to raising our tweens and teens, we need to repeat the mantra…

“My kid has choices. They know what is best for them and they need to be the ones to experience the consequence of their choices – both positive and negative. This is how they learn. It’s not my job to carry this burden for them. If I care too much they won’t have to care.  I will not rob them of this growth opportunity because reaping the consequences of their choices can be a huge lesson in how the real world works. The sooner they learn this lesson the better. They need to experience it themselves.” Now repeat that daily 3 times.

 

Seek to understand “the why.”

Here are some questions to ask yourself – 

Why might they be struggling?

Do they have a learning difference?

Do they struggle with executive functioning?

Could your tween or teen be unmotivated because you are giving them unlimited privileges regardless of them not putting in the effort or work to do what is expected of them?

 

Ask yourself “what” – 

What might they need?

What skills are they lacking?

What support can you get them? 

Can you have them stay after school, find them a tutor, get them tested, or have a 504 or IEP put in place?

Do you know what motivates them?

What are some boundaries that you can set? What rewards might you put in place?

 

When an approach isn’t working ask yourself what you might do differently and see what happens. Just doing this can make a huge difference!

Remember, it’s a process for our kids and for us to figure these things out.  And we here at Moms of Tweens and Teens are here to support you.

For more tips and strategies to help you stop homework battles and motivate your tween or teen check out our FREE Course on our MOTTs University below!

How to Stop Homework Battles and Raise Responsible, Accountable, and Successful Kids.

 

 

Related

Share
Tweet
Pin
Share
Reddit
628 Shares

Filed Under: Blog, Parenting, Teen Boys Tagged With: Homework

About Sheryl Gould

Hi! I'm Sheryl and I'm so glad you're here!

Are you tired of having the same arguments with your adolescent son or daughter? Scared that you’re failing as a mom? At your wit’s end and not sure what to do?

I can help. I’ve coached moms for over 12 years to become conscious, calmer and more connected parents. And I know the difference it makes when you get support and learn new ways of relating. It changes everything!

teen tween boundaries masterclass

Hi! I'm Sheryl and I'm so glad you're here!

Are you tired of having the same arguments with your adolescent son or daughter? Scared that you’re failing as a mom? At your wit’s end and not sure what to do?

I can help. I’ve coached moms for over 12 years to become conscious, calmer and more connected parents. And I know the difference it makes when you get support and learn new ways of relating. It changes everything!
Contact me I'd love to hear from you!
Email Me

A Weekly Dose of Inspiration

Straight to Your Inbox

« Perhaps the Power of Gratitude Is Just What We Need, Now More Than Ever
Gifts Your College Guy Will Love! »

Hi! I'm Sheryl and I'm so glad you're here!

Are you tired of having the same arguments with your adolescent son or daughter? Scared that you’re failing as a mom? At your wit’s end and not sure what to do?

I can help. I’ve coached moms for over 12 years to become conscious, calmer and more connected parents. And I know the difference it makes when you get support and learn new ways of relating. It changes everything! Read More…

Available on Amazon

Follow Me!

Follow Me!

Follow Along

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter

Top Posts & Pages

  • Let's Put A Heart on Our Kid's Door Leading Up to Valentine's Day to Tell Them All The Things We Love About Them!
    Let's Put A Heart on Our Kid's Door Leading Up to Valentine's Day to Tell Them All The Things We Love About Them!
  • What a Middle School Girl Needs Most From Her Mom
    What a Middle School Girl Needs Most From Her Mom
  • Warning: Puberty in Boys, The Things They Don't Tell You
    Warning: Puberty in Boys, The Things They Don't Tell You
  • 4 Parenting Mistakes You Could Be Making Right Now
    4 Parenting Mistakes You Could Be Making Right Now
  • Stop Saying These 10 Things to Your Teenagers
    Stop Saying These 10 Things to Your Teenagers
  • 8 Ways to Connect With Your Teen Son When He Won't Talk to You
    8 Ways to Connect With Your Teen Son When He Won't Talk to You
My Tweets
  • Home
  • Workshops
  • Podcast
  • Store
  • Contact
  • About
  • Blog

momsoftweensandteens

Spot on. Spot on.
Are you tired of reminding, nagging, and arguing w Are you tired of reminding, nagging, and arguing with your tween or teen?⠀
Do you find yourself questioning when to step in and when to let them figure it out?⠀
Do you feel ineffective when it comes to your tween or teen becoming more responsible?⠀
If you answered yes to one of these questions, I want to invite you to our 3 Day on-line LIVE training, “How To Build A Better Relationship With Your Tween or Teen”⠀
Day 1:⠀
How To Listen So Your Teen Will Talk and Talk So Your Teen Will Listen⠀
Day 2: How To Stop Disrespect and Power Struggles⠀
Day 3: How To Set Boundaries and Build Healthy Communication⠀
I'm going to be holding a FREE, LIVE, online Moms of Tweens and Teens Training soon - starting February 3rd.⠀
Sign up in our bio!
So true! 😂 😂 😂 ⠀ We can relate much bet So true! 😂 😂 😂 ⠀
We can relate much better to our tweens and teens when we are willing to ask - hmmm what might my version of this be?
Tween Daughters and Puberty...⠀ Do you ever wond Tween Daughters and Puberty...⠀
Do you ever wonder what's normal or how to have those awkward conversations?⠀
In this episode, Dr. Sheryl Ziegler talks with me about the Social Emotional and Physical Changes Tween Girls Go Through and How You Can Be Prepared Before She Hits The Teen Years.⠀
Link in the bio!⠀
⠀
A few highlights:⠀
Preteen behaviors - what to expect and what's normal.⠀
How to prepare your daughter for all of the social, emotional, and physical changes that she's going through during puberty and what's to come during the teen years. ⠀
How to have difficult and awkward conversations about puberty, etc. with her.⠀
How to use the tween years (9,10,11, 12) as an opportunity to celebrate your daughter's transition to womanhood.⠀
Laying a strong foundation for a strong relationship with your daughter where she will feel like she can talk to you.
If you’re a mom of a boy - you are well aware th If you’re a mom of a boy - you are well aware that there is no manual that can possibly prepare you for the unique joys and challenges of raising a son.⠀
⠀
In this podcast episode, I had the privilege of interviewing Kara Lewis, the founder of The Joys Of Boys - we discuss the joys and challenges, how every boy is different, tapping into what they really need and finding new ways to connect with them. ⠀
⠀
If you're finding it difficult to know how to connect with your son and support him when he's struggling give this interview a listen! Link is in the bio.
Right?! 😂 🤣 I'm so excited for the new year Right?! 😂 🤣  I'm so excited for the new year!!!
Totally feeling this way today! How about you?❤️ ❤️ ❤️
All behavior is purposeful, meaning there is a rea All behavior is purposeful, meaning there is a reason when our kids lash out and are hurtful.⠀
Anger oftentimes a secondary emotion. Hurt can often be lurking underneath the surface. ⠀
Next time your tween or teen is hurtful, be curious about what might be going on underneath the surface versus just reacting back. ⠀
When our kids are upset we can shift that interaction by being a parent who tunes in and cares. ⠀
We can say things like, "Wow. That hurt. I see you're upset. What's going on?"
Load More... Follow on Instagram

Copyright © 2021 · Moms of Tweens and Teens · Designed by Beyond Blog Design· Built on Genesis Framework · Privacy · Membership Terms