How to Talk to Your Son About Puberty: What to Say, Age by Age
The short answer: Start before he needs it, around age 8 to 10, and keep it going in short, easy talks instead of one big sit-down. Tell him what’s coming for his body and feelings, that every change is normal, and that he can ask you anything. Car rides, walks and a good book make it so much less awkward.
Looking for the right book to hand him? Here are my 11 favorite puberty books for boys, by age.
Can I be honest? When my son was little, I knew exactly what to say. Scraped knee? Kiss it. Bad dream? Snuggle. Then one day he was taller, quieter, a little smellier, and I realized I had no idea how to start this conversation.
If you’re there right now, me too. You are not behind, and you are not doing it wrong. You just need a plan and a few words to say. That’s what this post is for.
In this post
- Why boys get left out of the talk
- Ages 8 to 10: before it starts
- Ages 10 to 13: when the changes begin
- Ages 13 to 15: big feelings, crushes and his phone
- Ages 15 and up: becoming a young man
- How to make it less awkward
- When to call his doctor
- Questions moms ask
Why do boys get left out of the puberty talk?
Here’s something that surprised me. We tend to talk to our daughters about growing up much more than our sons. In a national survey of 1,942 moms and dads of kids ages 10 to 14, parents of daughters had more conversations about sex and growing up than parents of sons, and dads talked less than moms with kids of either gender. (Wilson and Koo, Reproductive Health, 2010)
Meanwhile, our boys are starting puberty earlier than we think. A 2012 study of more than 4,000 boys across 41 states found many start showing signs around age 10, and some as early as 9, which is earlier than doctors used to expect. (Harvard Health)
And the talks matter. A review of 52 studies with more than 25,000 teens found that kids who talked with their parents about sexual health were more likely to make safer choices later. The effect was small, and stronger with moms. So Mama, your voice counts. (Widman et al., JAMA Pediatrics, via EurekAlert)
Typical puberty for boys starts somewhere between 9 and 14. Every boy has his own timeline, and that’s okay. (HSE)
Ages 8 to 10: before it starts
What’s happening: Not much yet, and that’s exactly why this is the perfect time. He’s still curious, still chatty and not embarrassed (yet).
What he needs to know: His body will change over the next few years. It happens to every boy, at different times. The right names for his body parts. And that you are his safe person for questions.
Try saying:
- “Pretty soon your body is going to start changing to get ready to be a grown-up. It’s totally normal, and I’ll help you know what’s coming.”
- “You can ask me anything, even the weird stuff. I promise I won’t freak out.”
- “If a friend tells you something about bodies that sounds strange, come check it with me.”
Ages 10 to 13: when the changes begin
What’s happening: This is when most boys start. You may notice a growth spurt, longer arms and legs, body odor, a little hair under his arms and in private areas, acne and a voice that cracks. Moods can swing, too. (MedlinePlus)
What he needs to know:
- Hygiene: daily showers, deodorant, washing his face and clean clothes. If this is a battle at your house, these 6 tips to get your tween or teen boy to shower without nagging can help.
- Erections and wet dreams: they happen, sometimes for no reason, and they’re normal. Nothing is wrong with him.
- His voice and body: cracks, growth spurts and clumsy feet are all part of it.
- His feelings: big emotions are part of growing up too. He isn’t broken, and neither is your relationship.
Try saying:
- “Hey, I got you some new deodorant. It’s a grown-up thing now, and it’s a good sign your body’s growing.”
- “Some boys wake up and their sheets are wet. It’s called a wet dream, it’s normal, and you can just toss the sheets in the wash. No big deal.”
- “I know talking about this is kind of awkward. It’s awkward for me too, and I’d still rather you hear it from me.”
Growing up can also make him quieter around you. If that’s starting, read Understanding Tween and Teen Boys. And if you need a good cry and a laugh, And Then My Son Turned 13 is for you.
Free: 5 Essential Parenting Scripts
Not sure what to say when he rolls his eyes or shuts down? Grab my free scripts for the hardest moments with your tween or teen.
Ages 13 to 15: big feelings, crushes and his phone
What’s happening: His body keeps changing, and now his heart and his social world are changing fast too. Crushes, group chats, pressure from friends and a phone full of things you never saw at his age.
What he needs to know:
- Respect and consent: no means no, and asking first is what good guys do. That goes for hugs, photos and everything else.
- What he sees online: many boys see sexual content online before they’re ready, often by accident. Let him know he won’t be in trouble for telling you. My post on how to talk about porn and sex with your tweens and teens walks you through it.
- Pressure: he gets to decide what’s right for him, and he can always blame you to get out of something.
- His body image: boys compare themselves too, especially height and muscles. Here’s how to help your son have a positive body image.
Try saying:
- “If you ever see something online that makes you uncomfortable, you won’t be in trouble for telling me. I’d just want to help you make sense of it.”
- “Liking someone is a great feeling. The way you treat them says a lot about who you are.”
- “If anyone ever pressures you, text me ‘come get me.’ I’ll come, no questions in the car.”
These conversations usually happen late at night or in the car, not when we plan them. That’s why late night conversations with teen boys are when they open up.
Ages 15 and up: becoming a young man
What’s happening: Most boys are well into puberty now. He’s thinking about relationships, independence and who he wants to be.
What he needs to know: How healthy relationships look. Respect, honesty and kindness. Sexual health facts, from you or his doctor, and your family’s values. And that he can still come to you, even when he’s taller than you.
Try saying:
- “I want you to have good, healthy relationships. What do you think makes someone a good partner?”
- “You’re almost grown, and I trust you. I’m still here for the hard questions, anytime.”
- “Your character matters more than anything you’ll ever accomplish. I’m proud of the man you’re becoming.”
Want to know what he wishes you understood? Read 9 Things a Teen Boy Wants His Mom to Know.
How do I make the puberty talk less awkward?
- Go side by side. Car rides, walks, shooting hoops or cooking together. Boys open up when they don’t have to look you in the eye.
- Keep it short. Lots of little talks beat one big one. Two minutes, then let it go.
- Let him ask in private. A notebook you pass back and forth, or a text, gives him a way to ask what he’d never say out loud.
- Hand him a book. A good puberty book answers the questions he won’t ask. See my favorite puberty books for boys.
- Listen together. These expert podcasts about puberty are great for a car ride.
- Laugh. A little humor takes the pressure off for both of you.
- Bring in a trusted man if you can. A dad, grandpa, uncle or coach can help. But Mama, you can absolutely do this yourself.
Most of all, protect the relationship. If he’s pulling away right now, these 9 ways to stay close to your teen son will help.
When should I call his doctor?
- He shows signs of puberty before age 9.
- There are no signs by age 14. (KidsHealth)
- He has pain or a problem in his private area, or severe acne.
- His mood changes in a big way, he pulls away from everything he loves, or you’re worried about his safety. If he’s in crisis, call or text 988 anytime.
His doctor has heard it all. Asking is never a bother.
Questions moms ask
What age should I talk to my son about puberty?
Start around 8 to 10, before the changes begin. Then keep the conversation going with short talks as he grows.
Should his dad do it instead?
A dad or trusted man can be a big help, and it’s great when both parents are part of it. But moms can absolutely have these talks, and research suggests our conversations make a real difference.
What if he refuses to talk?
Don’t force it. Keep it short, try side-by-side moments, give him a book, and tell him your door is always open. He’s listening more than you think.
What books can help?
Guy Stuff, Growing Up Great! and The Boy’s Body Book are favorites. See all 11 of my favorite puberty books for boys, by age.
Mama, you don’t have to get this perfect. You just have to keep showing up, keep the door open and keep loving him through every awkward, beautiful change. He was made on purpose, and so were you for this season.
xo Sheryl
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Sheryl Gould is the founder of Moms of Tweens and Teens, a Parent and Relationship Coach with 18 years of experience, a mom of three, the author of SOS! The Technology Guidebook for Parents of Tweens and Teens, and the host of the Moms of Tweens and Teens podcast.
