How to Talk to Your College Kid: 3 Tips for Positive Conversations

When your college kid is away from home, you probably wonder and worry about how they’re doing. Are they eating healthy and getting enough sleep? Are they enjoying their classes and keeping up with schoolwork? Are they getting along with their roommates and making new friends? Most of all, we moms want to know our kids are safe, happy, and healthy. The questions keep piling up, no matter how old they are or how long they’ve been gone. I still wonder and worry about the same things with my college graduate!

You’ll probably wait anxiously to hear from your college kid so you can get answers and put your worries at ease. Depending on your kid, they may text, call, or FaceTime often, or you might not hear from them much at all. Some kids need a lot of guidance and support; others are so independent they hardly need help. Every relationship is different.

But there are ways to have positive conversations with your college kid. I finally figured out some things that worked with my own college kid over the years, and I’d love to share them in hopes the hard lessons I learned help you too. What surprised me most was how hard it was to put my own needs aside so our talks were supportive and my kid knew I wasn’t doubting her abilities. Sometimes our questions can come across as not trusting our kids to do things for themselves, and that lowers their confidence. We want our college kids to feel encouraged and empowered, not insecure and defensive.

If our conversations are positive, uplifting, and encouraging, our kids will WANT to keep talking to us. If they’re constantly frustrating and feel like an interrogation, our kids will shut down. We want them to reach out because they want to, not out of obligation. The best way to nourish our relationships with our grown kids is to let them take the lead and respect their independence.

3 tips at a glance

• Let them lead: listen first, and save your questions.
• Ask with confidence in them: word questions warmly, and use “mom checks” for the practical stuff.
• Stay calm when they struggle: be the steady, believing voice they need.

What does research say about staying close to college kids?

Staying connected is a good thing, and how we stay connected matters. A Middlebury College study found that college students were in touch with their parents about 13 times a week on average. The students with the most frequent contact tended to have the least independence and described those relationships as more controlling. Students who managed their own studying were happiest, both in college and with their parents.

Another study of 297 college students found that students who described their parents as over-controlling reported more depression and less life satisfaction, largely because they felt less capable and less in charge of their own lives. Both studies show links, not proof of cause, but the message is clear: our trust helps our kids grow.

1. Let your college kid lead the conversation

As much as you want to know every detail of their lives, the last thing they want is their mom drilling them with questions or instructions.

It’s so hard not to start every conversation with all the questions you’ve been storing up. All your worrying and wondering pours out because you care about them more than anyone else. You have a right to know if they’re eating and sleeping! You need to know they feel safe where they’re living! These are legitimate concerns. YOU RAISED YOUR KIDS FOR 18 YEARS.

But here’s the thing, Mama: as much as you want to know all the things, sit back and let your college kid take the lead. Don’t grill them right at the start. Let them share what matters to them, and your job is to listen, support, guide, and encourage. This is SO HARD. But I promise it sets the stage for ongoing communication, because if they expect to be micromanaged every time they call, they’ll be less likely to call. Your college kid doesn’t need your interrogations, but they do need and want your love and encouragement.

Try saying: “I’m so happy you called! What’s been the best part of your week?”

2. Ask questions that show you believe in them

AFTER your college kid shares what they want to share, you can ask a few of your questions. Just word them gently and positively, not in a way that sounds condescending. For example, instead of “Are you eating well and getting enough sleep?” (which can sound like you doubt they can do either), try:

• “Is the cafeteria food any good? What’s your favorite meal?”
• “Are the dorm beds comfortable? Does your roommate snore?”
• “Have you found enough time to study with all your other great activities?”
• “Have you been to any fun college events or parties?” (Here’s more on talking about the temptations they’ll face at school.)

Try “mom checks”

Some things we moms simply need to know, and I call these my “mom checks.” I still do this with my grown kid. AFTER she shares the updates that matter most to her, I ask if I can run through a few quick mom checks for my own peace of mind. She usually says, “Sure!” because she knows I’m a worrier and like to stay on top of the practical things. I always remind her it’s more for ME than for her. (But you and I know it’s also to confirm she’s done what she needs to do.)

Try saying: “Can I do a couple of quick mom checks? I was wondering if you had time to…” or “I just wanted to check how it’s going with…”

This gives my concerns their own spot without interrupting her agenda, and she knows I’m not questioning her abilities. Our conversations stay focused on her, not on me interrogating her, which is how it’s supposed to be.

3. Stay positive and supportive when your college kid is struggling

When our kids are hurting, we naturally get upset, worried, or even angry. We want to dive into the rubble and rescue them, but we can’t, and we shouldn’t. This is their chance to learn to manage hard experiences and find their own strength. As hard as it is to watch them stumble, we have to believe in their ability to navigate it.

That doesn’t mean we can’t help, support, and guide them! But Moms, try really hard to control your emotions, because your kid doesn’t need added drama. What they need most is a calm, cool mom who believes they can solve their problem. They need someone to tell them they can do this hard thing, that they’re strong and wise and can figure things out. They need unconditional love, unwavering affirmation, and complete confidence in their ability to cope.

When our college kids are falling apart and going through hard things, be a safe place where they can let it out without worrying about your reaction. Listen carefully and compassionately without interrupting. Affirm their challenges and empathize with their feelings. Tell them how proud you are of how they’re coping. Then ask if there’s anything you can do to help. Do this on repeat.

Try saying: “That sounds really hard. I’m proud of how you’re handling it. You’ve gotten through hard things before, and I believe you can do this too. Is there anything I can do to help?”

When is it more than a rough patch?

College is a big transition, and some ups and downs are normal. Encourage your kid to reach out to their campus counseling center or a doctor if they seem hopeless or withdrawn for more than a couple of weeks, stop going to class, aren’t sleeping or eating, or are drinking or using drugs to cope. If your kid ever talks about feeling hopeless or hurting themselves, call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. For help with substance use, call the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357.

Questions moms ask about talking to college kids

How often should I talk to my college kid?

There’s no magic number. Some families text daily, and others talk once a week. Let your kid’s needs lead, and agree on a rhythm together, like a weekly call plus texts in between.

What if my college kid doesn’t call?

Try not to take it personally; often it means they’re busy and settling in. Send a short, no-pressure text like “Thinking of you! No need to reply, just love you.” Kids are more likely to reach out when they know they won’t get grilled.

How can I help without being a helicopter parent?

Ask before you advise (“Do you want ideas, or do you just want me to listen?”), let them make their own calls to professors or offices, and step in only when there’s a safety concern or they ask for help.

What should I say when my college kid is struggling?

Stay calm, listen, and let them know you believe in them. Then ask how you can help. Here are 5 things to say when your college student is struggling.

We’re all learning together

There are many ways to have positive conversations with your college kid, and these are just a few that have worked for me. (Believe me, there was a lot of trial and error!) There will be times you don’t get the answers you hoped for, and times you’ll be thrilled by great news. No one gets this parenting thing right. Your kid is still learning to live on their own, and you, Mom, are learning right along with them.

I’m praying for you and your college kid in this new season. For more support, read What You Need to Know About Parenting College Kids, and for a fun way to show you care, try these easy and fun care packages your college kid will love.

xo Sheryl

About Sheryl Gould: Sheryl is the founder of Moms of Tweens and Teens and a Parent and Relationship Coach with 18 years of experience helping moms stay connected to their kids through the tween and teen years. She’s a mom of three, author of SOS! The Technology Guidebook for Parents of Tweens and Teens, and host of the Moms of Tweens and Teens podcast.