When you discover your tween or teen has lied to you, it’s really upsetting. I’ve been there with each of my kids—sometimes the lies were blatant, other times more subtle, like conveniently leaving out key details (and I must admit, now that my kids are older, they have shared a few things, and I’m relieved I didn’t know everything!). 

The hard truth…

Your tween or teen is going to lie at some point. And this doesn’t make them a bad kid. I want to give you some comfort in knowing that at this age, lying is more commonplace as they fight for independence. They will make choices that they know we won’t agree with. They also don’t always connect cause and effect and think things through. They will make mistakes.

But why lie about it? 

Moms reach out to me all the time, deeply concerned about their child’s dishonesty. And while I understand how frustrating this can be, the hard reality is that most teens will lie. As much as we hate it, they will make mistakes, sometimes hiding the truth to avoid disappointing us or dealing with the consequences. In this post, I want to share with you the most common reasons teens lie and specific advice on how you can respond.

8 Reasons Teens Lie

(And what you can do to respond constructively so that trust can grow in your relationship)

1. They Don’t Want to Disappoint You

Teens care deeply about what you think of them. They might lie because they don’t want you to feel let down. There’s research that supports this—many teens lie because they fear they will lose your approval. One mom told me her daughter skipped a study group but lied about where she was because she didn’t want her mom to be disappointed in her choice to spend time with friends instead of preparing for a test.

Tip: Instead of reacting with punishment when you catch them lying, take a moment to understand why they felt the need to lie. 

Ask, “What led you to not be honest with me?” Approach the conversation with curiosity rather than blame. This shows them that you’re more interested in understanding their choices than simply punishing them.

2. Fear of Punishment

Teens often lie to avoid getting in trouble. For example, your teen might lie about staying out late or sneaking their phone into bed because they don’t want to face the consequences. They think lying will keep them from getting punished, especially if they’ve been caught and been in trouble for the same behavior before.

Tip: Instead of rushing to discipline, pause and gather more information. Try asking, “Can you share what happened?” When they feel they can talk to you without immediate punishment, they are more likely to open up. Showing that you’re approachable is key to fostering honesty.

3. You’re Too Strict

Sometimes, lying becomes a teen’s survival strategy when parents set strict or unrealistic boundaries. I made this mistake with my oldest daughter, thinking tight rules would protect her. Instead, she rebelled and started sneaking around. When teens feel overly controlled and suffocated by rules, they will often lie to regain a sense of control and autonomy.

Tip: Reevaluate your limits. Are your rules age-appropriate? Are you giving them enough freedom for their developmental stage? While it’s natural to want to protect them, loosening the reins a little can help them feel trusted—and, in turn, they’ll be more trustworthy. One of my kids shared recently that because they felt like I trusted them, it helped them to stay strong when faced with difficult situations.

4. They Want to Fit In

Peer pressure and FOMO are powerful. Your teen may lie to fit in with friends or avoid feeling excluded. Maybe your daughter told you she was working on a school project when she was actually hanging out at a friend’s house because she didn’t want to miss out on the social gathering.

Tip: Acknowledge the intense pressure they might be feeling. Start conversations about how fitting in can sometimes push them to make choices that don’t align with their values. Let them know you understand how hard it can be and that it’s okay to talk about it. 

Reassure them that you are for them and you want to support them and understand how they want to fit in.  Be flexible when it comes to spending time with friends while having boundaries.

5. They Are Testing Boundaries

Teens can sometimes lie to test limits—it’s a way for them to figure out how far they can push and how you’ll respond. 

For example, your teen might tell you they’re spending the night at a friend’s house but instead go to a party. Not only do they want to fit in and go to the party, but they also want to see if they can get away with it and gauge how strict or lenient you are when it comes to their independence. Lying in this way gives them a sense of control, helping them feel more autonomous.

Tip: When you discover your teen has lied about their plans, stay calm and avoid an immediate confrontation. Instead, express how you feel without lecturing and ask open-ended questions like, “What made you feel like you needed to hide the party from me?” This encourages your teen to reflect on their actions and opens up dialogue. Emphasize that honesty is essential for earning trust and more freedom in the future. Reaffirm your expectations, but also use this moment to explore how you can strike a balance between their need for independence and your need for honesty.

Another Example: Your 16-year-old tells you they’ll be home by 10 p.m. but shows up at 11:30, claiming they lost track of time. You later find out they intentionally stayed late at a gathering because they wanted to see if you’d notice. 

Tip: Rather than reacting with anger and punishment, use this as an opportunity to have a calm conversation. Ask, “What made you feel like you needed to stay out later than agreed?” This approach encourages them to reflect on their decision and opens up space for honest communication while also reinforcing boundaries in a respectful way.

6. They’re Afraid of Judgment

Teens want your approval, but they also dread being judged, especially when they make mistakes. One boy lied to his parents about failing a test because he didn’t want them to think he wasn’t trying hard enough. Teens sometimes lie to avoid feeling like they’ve let you down or because they’re already judging themselves harshly.

Tip: Let your teen know they can come to you without fearing harsh judgment. Ask open-ended questions like, “How is it going with this class?” or “How are you feeling about this?” or “Do you need my support?” or “Is there anything you might need that would be helpful?” or “What is hard about this class for you?” Cultivate an atmosphere where they feel safe to share, even when they’ve made a mistake.

7. Lack of Communication

Sometimes, teens lie simply because there is a breakdown in communication. If they don’t feel heard or understood, lying becomes an easier way to deal with conflicts. For instance, if they don’t feel comfortable telling you about their problems at school, they might lie about skipping a class or having a fight with a friend.

Tip: Focus on building a strong communication foundation. Regularly ask your teen about their day, and more importantly, listen without immediately jumping in with solutions, lectures, or criticism. Listen without interrupting and be curious rather than jumping to conclusions or having an agenda. For example, “What was that like for you?” or What is going well? What is difficult?” Show genuine interest in their experiences, and over time, they’ll feel more comfortable sharing honestly.

8. They Want Autonomy

Teens lie because they crave autonomy. They’re eager to make their own decisions and assert their independence, even if it means keeping secrets from you. They might hide certain behaviors simply because they don’t want to be told what to do.

Example: Your 17-year-old wants to go on a weekend road trip with friends. Instead of asking for your permission or discussing their plans, they just go ahead and make arrangements, keeping the details from you. They do this because they want to feel independent and make their own decisions without being told what they can or cannot do.

Tip: Recognize their need for autonomy and use this as an opportunity to offer them more freedom. For instance, you might say, “I understand you want to have some independence and make your own plans. Let’s talk about how we can work together on setting some guidelines that will help you stay safe while also allowing you to enjoy your time with friends.” By showing that you trust their judgment and are open to discussing boundaries, you encourage them to be more transparent and include you in their lives rather than feeling the need to hide their actions.

Building Trust and Honesty While it’s frustrating when your teen lies, remember that dishonesty is often a reflection of their need for independence, fear of judgment, or pressure to fit in. 

The Good News! 

Although there are so many different reasons why teens lie, when you foster a relationship built on trust, empathy, and open communication, you can encourage more honesty in the long run. Although it can be challenging, rather than responding with anger or punishment, take a moment to pause, breathe, or step away. This allows you to approach the situation calmly and listen to your teen’s feelings, thoughts, and perspective. By listening first, you’ll often gain valuable understanding and empathy, which can reveal why they might have lied. This approach can turn into a powerful, connecting moment that strengthens your bond and creates a space where your teen feels safe telling you the truth.