Help For The Holidays: Create Joy Even When It’s Hard This Christmas Season
It’s so easy to get caught up during the holidays in the hustle and bustle, the tasks and to-do lists , the overspending, overcommitting, and overwhelming stress and chaos of the season. Some of us are experiencing the loss of loved ones, strained family relationships and feelings of loneliness, sadness or fear that once again our expectations of what the “perfect” holiday is supposed to look like will again be disappointing.
Becky Baudouin joins us again to talk about the how to cultivate joy this Christmas season even in the midst of stress, perfectionism traps, grief and loss and feeling like things are not how we hoped they would be.
In this episode we laugh a lot, talk about our challenges around the holidays, how to make this time of year meaningful and fun. We share holiday traditions and great ideas to simplify and not get caught up in the stress and overwhelm trap. We talk about joy and how to cultivate joy into our lives in the midst of loss or disappointments. And towards the end I ask Becky for some ideas on how to keep the true meaning of Christmas fresh, exciting and heart-felt.
Let’s jump in!
Listen on iTunes Listen on Spotify Direct Link To This Episode
Where to Find Becky:
Her website: https://www.beckybaudouin.com/
Her book: Enjoy Every Minute: And Other Ridiculous Things We Say to Moms
And here is the episode typed out!
Welcome to the Moms of Tweens and Teens Podcast. If some days you doubt yourself and you don’t know what you’re doing. If you’ve ugly cried alone in your bedroom because you felt like you’re failing. Well, I just want to let you know you are not alone and you have come to the right place.
Raising tweens and teens in today’s world is not easy, and I am on a mission to equip you to love well and raise emotionally healthy tweens and teens that thrive. I believe that moms are heroes, and we have the power to transform our family and to impact future generations. If you are looking for answers, encouragement, and becoming more of the mom and woman you want to be, welcome. I am Sheryl Gould, and I am so glad that you are here.
Sheryl
Hey, Becky, welcome back to the show.
Becky
Hey, Sheryl, it’s always so good to talk to you.
Sheryl
I was so excited to have you back on because we met for the first time face to face. What was that – three weeks ago, a month ago. And you were talking about talks that you’re going to be giving in the next month, about Christmas and cultivating joy. And I was like, You got to come back on the third time, and talk about cultivating joy this Christmas season. And we’re going into Thanksgiving next week and I just thought, we need this message we need to just focus on those things that really matter. I need it. So yeah, so tell me, how are you? I know, you just got off a plane from the UK seeing your daughter, how was that?
Becky
It was amazing. My daughter, who recently got married, moved to the UK for a year with her husband. And I just felt like I wanted to go – we’re gonna go in the summer as a family to visit but I wanted to go and just see where they buy their groceries and where they live and just be able to connect more. Being a mom, it was hard for me to not be able to go see her. And then my sister was able to come – at the last minute, her passport arrived. And she was able to get a ticket and come with me. So we had the time of our lives. We had so much fun.
Sheryl
Oh my gosh, what did you do?
Becky
They live in New Castle, which is up by Scotland. So we actually did two-day trips, we took a trip to Scotland, to Edinburgh and saw a castle there and, you feel like you’re in a movie or a dream. It’s just amazing. And then we went to York, which is a very beautiful city. And I just love it. Everything is so old, the buildings are so old, and they don’t tear them down and build something new. They just keep the old and kind of build around it. And it’s just beautiful. Everywhere you go. It’s just this history. So, of course, we ate a lot of good food and had so much fun just being able to be together and explore.
Sheryl
Wow, that’s so awesome that you got to go and spend time and how was it – they’re newlyweds? Was that different, like seeing her married?
Becky
it is different. I had a moment – my sister and I were walking behind Kate and Steve. And it was just this moment where you know, her feet were kind of hurting, she’s a nurse. So she’s just gonna start working. And I was telling her, you need to get some better shoes. And then she and Steve were talking about – we need to order you that and it was a silly moment. But for me, it was like, I’m not the one that’s going to buy these shoes for her. It’s just there that I’ve been buying her shoes because she’s an adult. They’re living their own life now and I was visiting, and saw the traditions that they’re making. They have fish on Sundays, they go to the market and they get fish and after they go to church. I just love seeing them create their own family, their own traditions, and being able to visit and it’s a different kind of relationship. But I really love it. It’s just really cool to see.
Sheryl
Wow, yeah. And just seeing her be married to him, and they’re making their little life together with the sweetness of it. Thank you for coming on.
Becky
It’s good. I’m so happy to talk with you. I’ve been thinking about it for about a month and I feel like I need this too. I think joy is something that’s different than happiness. We love to feel happy and we have moments where we feel happy, but it’s usually because everything around us is going really well or the circumstances are perfect and we have these moments of feeling happy but joy is different. It’s something that I think we cultivate, we’re intentional about it, we can feel joy and experience joy even if we’re going through difficult times or even in sorrow, so that’s something that I really need to cultivate too.
Becky
It’s very rich to just read through the Christmas story because most of the talks I’m doing are either in churches or I’m doing a women’s holiday event speaking for moms groups. So I’m looking through the Christmas story and just being reminded of all of the joy that runs throughout the Christmas story in Scripture, and then trying to see how that applies to me and where I can cultivate joy.
Sheryl
I love that and I think you’re like me, we write what we need. It’s not like we’re coming from this place of “I’m up here.” These are things that we’re always working on. It isn’t like one day, we snap our fingers, and we have this joy that we finally figured it out. It’s a choice.
Sheryl
So let’s dig into this. What do you think gets in the way? And we’re specifically talking more about the Christmas season. But what do you think, for you get in the way of joy?
Becky
My calendar is already full. So if I’m not intentional to look at everything I’m saying yes to, that’s something that right away I’ll start to feel overwhelmed, because I’m over-scheduling myself, or I’m over-committing to things or I’m overspending, and I’m not paying attention. And that can cause stress, I also feel family relationships can be tricky. So my mom passed away eight years ago, and we can talk more about loss and kind of handling the holidays if you’re grieving a loss. But every year is hard in some ways. And every year is different. And this year hit me really hard. Her birthday was in October. I just said to my husband, I miss her so much. But I also miss the way our family used to be because she was sort of like the one that brought everybody together. And now that she’s not here, it’s really hard for my siblings and me to figure out how to do that because there are complications in their relationships. So, it’s a double loss and a way of missing her. And then the way that that has changed our family.
Becky
I also did a little reading. I found a study that I thought was really interesting that was done in 2019. So right before COVID hit, so then you add COVID in its so many other layers of stress that we feel. But 2000 adults were surveyed, and 77% of them said they have a really hard time relaxing during the holidays and usually end up feeling more stressed and worn down than ever. The majority 56% said that the extra financial strain, brought on by the holidays, is their biggest source of anxiety. So that’s a big thing. After that, it was finding the right gifts for everybody. Stressful family events, and then all of the tasks of putting up decorations, shopping, cooking. All of those things just added to our already busy schedules. And overall 88% of the respondents said they felt the holidays are the most stressful time of year.
Sheryl
I was really surprised by that. And then didn’t they say they’d rather stand in line at the DMV or something like that?
Becky
They would rather stand in line at the DMV, or one and five said they would rather sit on a long plane ride beside a crying child. We left on Monday to fly back and we were delayed an hour and a half sitting on the plane, they had to unload all the bags and reload them. It was a security issue. And there was a baby that cried for an hour and a half until the plane took off. So when I read that, I don’t know that I would want to do that again. But I think it just speaks to the level of – I know people who dread this time of the year because of how hectic everything is. But I also think of some of the loss that they’ve had and some of the pain that gets stirred up.
Becky
I’ve heard people say that when things are great in your life where you’ve had something really amazing that you’ve celebrated, the holidays are even sweeter. But when you’ve had something difficult the holidays can bring even more that pain can be even more pronounced. Emotions are really heightened whether it’s feeling really happy and excited or whether it’s some anxiety or loss or whatever it might be.
Sheryl
I wonder as you’re saying that, if there’s also this feeling of I’m supposed to be happy, I’m supposed to be joyful. It’s supposed to look a certain way and we have these expectations like the picture. And I’m like, oh, everything’s warm and cozy, and everybody’s happy, and everybody gets along, and there’s no sibling fighting. I still have those visions of what it’s supposed to look like. And then if it’s not, it’s a letdown. So we have to manage our expectations.
Becky
Yeah. And the comparison of looking around. I was thinking about Christmas cards, and what Christmas looks like now because back years and years ago, I think Christmas cards used to be – a smaller Christmas list of people that you would send them to, and they were handwritten cards. People didn’t even put pictures in them, and then it turned into including pictures. And now most of us just send a picture and what are we looking for? We’re looking for the best pictures that we can find from the year and that’s sort of the way that it has become, but I feel sometimes like it’s just become another Instagram-type post that we send out.
Sheryl
I’m so glad that you said that. Number one, it’s so expensive. I haven’t done it in a couple of years. And number two, I can’t get all my family together. Now that they’re living in different states and everything, and then I’m beating myself up about that, like, what’s wrong with my family that we’re not all together? Then we’re going to be all together for Thanksgiving, so “Should I get a photographer? Should I have them come?” And then I’m like, no, just take yours and have your sister in law take the picture. No, it won’t look professional enough. We won’t have matching shirts. We got to have the outfit and everybody has to be positioned that way. All that pressure over a Christmas card picture. I can’t do it. Of course, I could do it if I wanted to do it. But I think one of the reasons I don’t do it is exactly what you’re saying. Because it’s not going to be good enough.
Sheryl
So how many other areas are we bringing that pressure of not good enough? Yeah.
Becky
Well, I’ve even had the thought that last year was such a letdown. You know, we canceled our Thanksgiving, we always host and I did all my shopping online. So I wasn’t even out and about enjoying being out at Christmas time and seeing the stores decorated – it was just such an isolating difficult Christmas. So I’ve even had the thought this year. Like I want to compensate for what we missed out on last year and make this year even better, or I catch myself thinking these things. So, I’m trying to resist the urge to impress others. So anything that I might end up doing just to impress other people, I’m trying to catch myself.
Sheryl
Oh, I love that. So what would be an area you would want to impress somebody?
Becky
It could be with holiday baking, I used to bake a ton of cookies. My mom always did that. She didn’t do it to impress people. I’m learning to just ask myself the questions like why am I doing this? Why am I doing this tradition? Why am I buying more decorations when I have so many and I really don’t need more because I want my house to look like my neighbor’s house? I’m trying to get to the motive, underneath “Why am I wanting to do this?”
Sheryl
I love that. I just have to interject, I almost bought the cutest little tree at Target. It was so cute because the one I have looks all ratty. I’m like, Oh, that would make my daughter so happy when she comes home from college to have this cute little tree and it’s all colorful and it’s got little different colored balls on it. And I look and it’s 25 bucks. Why? It’s because she’ll be happier to be home.
Becky
I think what you did is catch yourself and say, Why? Because I certainly do not need more decorations. I don’t. It’s so funny. We’ve had the same Christmas lights, and our kids used to want us to put the lights on the house. My husband does not like doing it. But they’re so old. So every year we put them on, and they’re just these round bulbs. And our kids always are like, “Why can’t we get like the Icicle Lights, or like the new lights.” And we’re like, these still work and we like them. So every year more and more bulbs are going out. And we can’t even replace them because they’re so last year when we were putting them up. I felt how hot they were and I thought this is a fire hazard. Now I think we just need to throw these in the garbage because they’re just so old. But I’ve been so stubborn to buy new lights because I felt like why do we need to get rid of the old ones.
Becky
How do you discern what you say yes to and what you say no to?
Becky
But I do feel that, especially if I go shopping. You want to buy everything new and kind keep adding to what you already have. So I’m just checking my own motives. Because sometimes it does come back to comparing what my house looks like or looks like compared to what other people have. And then watching the over-overspending, over-committing, over-scheduling, I feel like those are the things that lead to me feeling overwhelmed. Being intentional to figure out what my budget is and figure out what my calendar looks like, and make sure I’m not pushing it to the limit in every way possible. I think it sucks the joy out of the holiday more than anything else. It’s just been stretching ourselves so thin in so many different ways that it’s not even enjoyable. All of it just feels like work. And then in January, we have a really big bill to pay.
Becky
That’s a great question. I think that goes back to intentionality. Because if we don’t ask that question, then we end up saying yes to stuff that maybe we feel like we should say yes to but we really don’t want to, or we notice stuff that we really would like to do. But now we don’t have the time or the money or the availability to do it. We have to back it up even more and really think about what is my goal for the holiday.
Becky
asked moms to weigh in and share with me some of the things that they were stressed about, or what their focuses are on during the holidays. And one woman said, and I really loved this, she said longing for family time and good relationships is what causes her stress. She said, “My focus has been on creating a happy mood that celebrates Jesus’s birth, not making everything picture perfect. So relationships come before deadlines.” I thought that was almost like a mission statement or a goal of what is important. Her faith is important. She wants to center it around the birth of Jesus, she wants to make time for relationships. So I think if we can nail down what our goal would be. Similar to her, I want to keep it focused on Christ. I want to have these relationships and connect with people in meaningful ways.
Sheryl
Creating a vision, what’s my vision going to be and how am I going to show up? Who do I want to be as I go into the Christmas season?
Becky
There’s really a part of that may be one of my goals is also that I want to stay on budget. Or I want to make sure that I have a day each week where I don’t have anything scheduled. So I can just be at home and stay in my pajamas. If you’re not working every day or wrap presents or being able to enjoy the season and not be running it. So just blocking out time where you say I’m not going to put anything on this day because I need to have a day to get organized and just do the things that I need to do. I think we have to start with what we want it to look like but then at the same time hold our expectations loosely because like you said, it never turns out exactly the way that you want it to.
Sheryl
I think that we don’t ask ourselves, what do we really want to do? And what don’t we want to do? Paying attention to that voice? Do I really want to? Do I really want to do this? Do I really want to make those cookies? Why am I doing it? Because I think I should? Or can I make this fun for myself? Because we put a lot of guilt on ourselves to like, with your mom making the cookies, it could almost be like you should, because that’s keeping her memory alive. So if I don’t do it, then maybe I’m letting her down in a way.
Becky
She has a sugar cookie recipe and there’s so much work. I remember doing it with her. I don’t make him every year. But the years I don’t make them then in January, when I’m putting all my recipes away, I do feel like a tinge of guilt or regret, like you didn’t even make the sugar cookies. And it’s unnecessary. That’s another thing that study said is that a lot of people are unnecessarily pressuring themselves to produce the perfect holiday. I think when we look at traditions, and we look at the things that we do, I really think it’s a good idea to just scale down and look at is this really important, or would my kids even noticed if we didn’t do this?
Becky
I’ve done that with Easter, the last several years I stopped doing easter eggs because nobody really seemed to have a lot of fun coloring easter eggs and nobody ever even asked me about it. I just quit doing it. And nobody was like, Hey, we didn’t color Easter eggs this year, nobody noticed. So there may be some traditions that you’re just doing that nobody really cares about.
Sheryl
That’s a great point. I would have moms when I was leading groups, write down a bucket list of things that would be fun for them to do, things that they really wanted to do over the Christmas holidays and even schedule it so you actually do it. But also what do your kids really love to do? What did they want to do? Because especially with tweens and teens, they can drag their feet around things. But we don’t even ask them, what would you love to do? What would be fun for you to do with the family?
Becky
That is such a great point. I think even if we can write down all of the things that we in a perfect world would like to do. And then as a family look at the list and ask our teens and tweens what is your favorite? What are your favorite things on this list? If we can’t do all of them, what is most important to you? And to see what they think too?
Sheryl
Yeah. What are some of your traditions or things that you love to do?
Becky
I love Christmas caroling. My kids have never really enjoyed that. But we’ve done that some years with friends.
Sheryl
You have – I love that because that’s like a dying thing.
Becky
I grew up doing that.
Sheryl
I did, too. We did it with the choir in high school. We went all around and people brought us chocolate.
Becky
We always like to go somewhere and look at lights. Years ago, we would go every year into Chicago and just kind of walk around and look at the lights. Last year, we just kind of looked because it was more like driving through neighborhoods. But we found a neighborhood that was pretty well known for its great light display. So we got in the car and drove but we like to look at the lights.
Becky
And then for Christmas Eve we always have we always open pajamas. And so that’s like a thing that my kids do every single year. They love that we go to church and then we have fun. We do that every year – it’s a slow meal and everyone is just in the kitchen for like three or four hours like everyone’s helping to prepare it and we’re so full we never want the chocolate fondue and our youngest daughter Brenna just every single year just is so obsessed that we’re all too full to do the chocolate. So we really tried to make room for the chocolate but usually, we end up doing it like the next day or something.
Sheryl
I love that you do that every Christmassy that they know and that’s something that they look forward to. Yeah, we play a lot of board games.
Becky
Yeah, it’s such a great time to play cards. We love to play cards in our family. So when you know the girls come home from college, and we’re all together, we do a lot of playing cards mostly.
Sheryl
Yeah, that’s fun, too.
Becky
When we talk about Christmases that are different, if you have experienced a loss in the last couple of years, there are definitely some things that we can talk about that can help with how we navigate that as a family. But even if it’s something just like my oldest daughter moving away, I was watching her as she’s trying to think about the holidays being away. She’s kind of homesick. Thanksgiving is the biggest holiday and our family, all of the extended family gets together, and we have a blast. And because we’re coming from out of town, we stay together for four days. So she is so sad to miss that day. But I was really proud of her because she said, I think it’s gonna be too hard for me to just be home that day and try to make a turkey dinner for me and Steve. So she is having a turkey dinner the weekend before her cousin’s coming to visit. And they booked a trip to Poland, and they’re gonna go away for five days and just do something completely different. Because she said, I feel like that’s just gonna be better to do something totally different.
Becky
I think that can also be a great idea. If you’re just feeling dread going into the holidays, because something is different, or not everybody is there. And you’re feeling like it’s going to be sad. Maybe you need to mix it up. Maybe you need to drop a tradition that you always do because it’s going to be painful. And just think of something different. I know, the year after my mom died, we went to the movies on Christmas. And we had never ever done that before. But I just felt like I wanted to do something different on that day.
Sheryl
Yeah, that’s really good. That’s really good advice to change it up. I remember one of my family members, who had gone through a divorce. And they said it was so difficult -the first three Christmases because so many of the traditions had to change. It was just so different. She had to start different traditions. Think about what you want that to look like? Because you can sit home and then like it would be have been so different for your daughter. And Steve and Kate feel lonely with that turkey dinner between the two of them. What’s gonna bring you joy? So how have you navigated that with your mother being gone? You went to the movies the first year, it’s different now with your family not having her there. How do you navigate that? How do you deal with that?
Becky
Some of what I’m about to share is what I learned going to a grief support group, I went to two different, really great grief support workshops. But this one was called handling the holidays after a loss. And it was a one-night workshop. And it was just phenomenal. And one of the things they started by saying is to make a plan. It’s really an avoidant behavior to be like, I don’t want to think about it. And to let it unfold. However, it’s going to be awful no matter what I do, whether it’s after a divorce, or if there’s been a death in the family, or just anything that is making this feel hard. But to make a plan, because the more intentional that you can be, the more you can really create and cultivate joy throughout the season.
Becky
So ask yourself what do I want these days to look like? Imagining Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, what do I want that day to look like? And then making a plan for that? We talked about traditions, maybe sometimes dropping some traditions, doing something different. Maybe it’ll be the only year you take a trip and go someplace for the holidays or maybe you’ll decide that’s what you want to do every year, just to give yourself the freedom to change it up and do something different. And know that it’s okay to say no, sometimes I think when someone is hurting or they’re grieving, their loved ones want to keep them busy and they don’t want you to be alone because they know that you’re sad. So they want you to come to all of the family gatherings. But if you really don’t feel up to it, to know that it’s okay to say no, and be able to express that and let them know here’s what I am going to do.
Becky
Maybe I’ll drive separately to the family gathering. Because that way, if I need to leave, I can. And just make sure that you give yourself the freedom to be honest with people who may have great intentions and just are trying to help you not feel so sad. And then I think just to lean into the feelings and give yourself the space to feel it. To do something meaningful to remember, if it’s someone that has passed away in your family, the first year after my mom died, the first couple years, I hung up a stocking for her and the kids would do it too. If we were kind of feeling sad, or whatever, we would write a little note and put it in the stocking.
Sheryl
I love that.
Becky
And then some of the other ideas that the people at my table at this grief workshop had was donating in memory of that person. I remember one woman – her dad had died. And she went and bought what she would have bought for her dad, a sweater or whatever it was, and she donated it to some organization – a brand new thing that she would have gotten for her dad. That could just make me cry now. But just doing something and involving our kids, even at the ages that they’re at, tweens and teens, figuring out where you can volunteer together and doing it as a family and talking about the legacy may be that someone in your family has left, with service or love.
Becky
Looking for ways to lighten your load, we talked about that. Like if Christmas cards are overwhelming, just don’t send them out, we’ll be okay. Give yourself the space to grieve and feel your feelings. But there’s this idea of pre-grieving, which is really great. Like if you’re anxious about Thanksgiving or Christmas day and going to a family event and you almost like you’re afraid you’re going to be ambushed by your feelings on that day. To take time maybe a couple of days before and just spend some time by yourself. Put on Christmas music. If you need to cry, if you like to write, you can journal, take the time to just sit and feel what you’re feeling. It kind of gives you a head start going into the gathering that you’re going to – not that you won’t cry again – but making the space for you to feel what you’re feeling.
Becky
So those are some of the things that I have done over the last several years. And I will say, definitely with time, the intensity of the loss, I think diminishes. So it’s not as painful. But at the same time, it’s now been eight years since I’ve seen my mom. So there’s this sadness that is always still there. But it’s certainly not something that I dread anymore. I don’t dread going into the holidays, but there are still ways for me to remember her and to give myself the space to feel when I do feel the loss.
Sheryl
Yeah, that’s good. Because I was thinking a lot of times, we don’t want to feel the sadness. Or working with moms, they don’t want to feel that or they don’t want to cry in front of anybody. Like giving yourself permission that if you do cry, it’s okay. You cry because the person means so much to you. And letting that out and feeling those feelings. So a lot of giving ourselves permission to feel whatever we’re feeling. And it doesn’t mean that you’re going to fall into the pit.
Becky
Yeah. Right. That you think if I start crying, I’ll never be able to stop. But, it’s so important to let yourself feel what you’re feeling.
Sheryl
When I let myself feel – I was really having a hard day on Sunday. And I was not in a good place. And there was a group text chain that went around and somebody was like, what are you grateful for? They’re trying to start the, you know, what are you grateful for and I was just honest I’m not doing so great today. So I’m not feeling very grateful. And the friend called me and said, What’s going on and I cried. Now I know, not everybody has that. But just even crying. Sometimes that can be such a release. I was amazed. I didn’t need her to give me advice or tell me what to do or anything. I just needed to let some of that air out. Like releasing air from a balloon or something and I can get on with my day.
Sheryl
Yeah. And to be able to reach out to somebody and let them know, I think that’s a big part of it, too, is to be able, to be honest. Even if we feel like it’s not where we’re supposed to be?
Sheryl
Exactly. Because there’s a part of us, I think that wants to hide that. But I was glad that I did because it was what was true for me at that moment.
Becky
So that’s one of the ways we’ve talked about. I think a lot of the things that steal our joy, or where we get stuck, but the way we cultivate joy, is being intentional. And looking at what do we want this next month to look like in simplifying and scaling things down and even creating a goal or some kind of a vision for what we want it to be. Then asking ourselves – with everything that we’re saying yes to or no to – is this going to help me achieve this goal that I have.
Becky
But the other thing that you just brought up is an authentic, meaningful connection. Sometimes we can be so task-driven. So if we look at the holiday season as I have to get all these things down, I have to shop, I have to get the food, I have to bake, I have to wrap the presents, decorate all of that. Be looking for ways that you can do those things with someone else and connect over it. Like baking, I have a recipe from my friend Margie’s family recipe to make these pastries, they’re kind of a pain to make. You roll out the dough. And there’s like a nut filling. And we always do it together. Because it’s not fun to do by yourself. It’s so much work. But we just set aside a day, we alternate between houses, we get our kids involved, if they’re in the house, they come in and they help roll some. And it’s now a tradition. That’s fun. We end up with a bunch of these delicious cookies, but we do it together.
Becky
We can get back to shopping in person grabbing our kids and just you know, taking each one out and shopping with them or going and getting dessert. Another tradition that one of my friends has that I think is so fun. I’ve never done it. But in her neighborhood, all of the women would set aside one day in December. And they would spend the whole day together at alternate houses every year, they would have appetizers, watch Christmas movies, and wrap all of their presents together.
Becky
So it’s taking something that usually I’m by myself at midnight, wrapping presents alone, which is not the worst thing. But I think that would be so fun if you have a group that you can do that with. So I think looking for and then being able to be authentic. That connection is something I see in the Christmas story when I read through it again with Mary after she’s told that she’s going to give birth to the Savior. I don’t think people believed her. I think it was impossible, what she was saying was going to happen. And we read that she went to visit her relative. I wonder if she needed to go away because there was a situation that was hard for the family, she went to visit her relative. And when they see each other there’s this moment where we read in Scripture that the baby in Elizabeth who was John the Baptist leaped for joy inside of her and then Mary breaks into a song and it’s about rejoicing and joy. And I think it was such a gift that they had each other because they both were experiencing a miracle. And to be able to have somebody that believes in you and reminds you of what is true and can walk through life circumstances together. To have that kind of connection. I think it’s so beautiful.
Sheryl
Do you just wonder when she was breaking out in song while they were cooking together? What did that look like? What I’m taking away from everything that you’re saying is not to be alone. I think about when we’re in our heads and we’re alone in our heads, what a lonely place that is to be. Just being able to talk about what’s really going on with us with somebody that we feel close to. Maybe Mary – in the beginning, she was talking about how this was hard. We have no idea that she went there, maybe to take refuge. I have no idea what it was like for her but then she was able to have that connection. And then she’s singing and she’s fine. Just be with somebody that you like, making those pastries. I’m thinking, What can I do that can bring more of that into Christmas, bring people together more.
Becky
And I think it can feel like a risk. Sometimes when I talk to moms about friendship and cultivating friendships, sometimes moms will say, I don’t really have close friends, I don’t really have people that I feel like I’m really close with. And I think especially over the last year and a half, there’s been so many of us who have felt isolated. That feeling of being alone has been magnified, I think for so many. But I think if we remember that, we also can then offer that to someone else. So if you take a risk, and you invite someone to come and bake cookies with you, even if you’re not best friends, and you spend some time together, you’re giving that person an opportunity to maybe experience friendship as well. But it is risky. And it’s not easy to do. But it’s so much better to be able to cultivate those kinds of friendships, and not go down alone.
Sheryl
Yeah, I’m so happy that you said that. Because as you were sharing about women getting together in the neighborhood, and they’re all wrapping presents, I don’t have that now the kids are older, and they’re not in school. And cookie exchanges, I don’t have that anymore. But then I’m like, what do you have? You do have friends, they live all different places, they live in different towns around here where I live, but I can have them over. Like, what do we have that we can focus on? Rather than focusing on what we don’t have? What do we have? It doesn’t have to look a certain way. And then reaching out to somebody and knowing that to be invited over to maybe bake cookies. How fun is that? Or have a cup of coffee? Yeah, that means a lot. I mean, we like to be invited to things.
Sheryl
I tend to be a person that kind of waits historically, that waits to be invited. I have friends that are so good at that. They invite people to things and I appreciate that. I’m like, I’m gonna be more like that, I’m gonna generate more and reach out more. I have been doing that and it’s so much more satisfying..
Becky
I love what you said about instead of focusing on what we don’t have thinking about what we do have. I thought that one of the things that can make this holiday season so rich is when we take Thanksgiving leading into Christmas. I feel like Thanksgiving sets us up really well to head into December because we are focusing on what we’re grateful for that we do have. I think contentment is another thing that will cultivate joy as we head into December if we can carry that on being thankful for what we do have. And like you said, what can I do, instead of waiting to be invited, and maybe you hate baking, maybe you can do something else – you can eat you, there’s, you know, possibilities for what you can do to just foster connection with another person and do something that you enjoy. You’re talking about reaching out more and trying to do that because your tendency is to kind of wait and be invited, but we can be proactive.
Sheryl
Exactly and I’m going to do that. This is so good. Setting it up and all of our listeners to really be intentional. Write it down, say it out loud. Put it on the calendar, invite somebody now to come over.
Becky
If you are sending out Christmas cards, you have to address all of those and sit at the table. Why not go to your friend’s house and do that together. Thinking of things that we have to do anyway and then looking for opportunities to do those things with someone else, and to be together as much as we can.
Sheryl
I just love that, Becky. So I have to ask you, as we get ready to close, how are you going to keep this Christmas fresh, how are you going to celebrate it around Jesus’s birth? To keep it fresh, because sometimes I get a little stale, I’ll try different devotions. We used to have a little baby Jesus, and we would move them around the house. I can do that with my grandkids. Where’s Baby Jesus? Find, Baby Jesus.
Becky
Our daughter, Claire – we had a fisher price manger – little people thing. And she carried Mary with her everywhere. And I would let her take Mary and I shouldn’t have because she lost it one day, we put different people in place of Mary,
Becky
But I mean, to answer your question, I think what I’m really trying to do this year is trying to let go of expectations. Everything is going to be so different this year, with my daughter being gone, and we have some out-of-town company coming at the end of December. And we’re not hosting Thanksgiving, this year, we’re traveling and going to my sister’s instead. So I think just trying to let go of the expectations of what I would like things to be like, or what may be the way that I wish that they could be.
Becky
I’m just reading through the Christmas story over and over again. And every time I read it, something different jumps out at me. So I’m reading in Luke chapter two, or Luke Chapter One is where it really starts, but I’m seeing themes of “Do not be afraid”, every time the angel Gabriel shows up to give anybody a message, he always starts with that, probably because it’s terrifying to see an angelic being in front of you. But I think also just because it’s our human tendency to just be afraid and to be anxious. So that spills over into so many areas, where the anxiety could be something I’m really worried about. Or could be just worrying that I’m going to let people down or what are people’s expectations of me or all of those things.
Becky
And then the other thing I see with Mary is surrender, I see her surrendering everything and just focusing on hope. What Christmas really was that first Christmas of Christ coming. I’m going to experience that a lot as I’m speaking and this message becomes alive in me. With my family, I think just trying to simplify and just focus on being together. And but I know what you mean about it can become stale because it becomes traditional, and then every year we’re doing the same things. So I think it has to be something that happens in our heart where we position ourselves in such a way that we are focused on this.
Sheryl
You’re helping me because maybe I will go back to target and get the tree. Because I have these really cute ornaments. Each ornament has a little verse on it. And each day you pick a verse and you hang it on the tree, maybe I’ll get that. And that can be the Jesus tree. I like doing real activities like that. So finding out what makes things about the Christmas story – How do we bring it alive? For ourselves?
Sheryl
I remember when my kids were younger, I would try to get them to want to do it and they didn’t want to do it and then I’d be so disappointed. I tried to get my husband to make them do it. And then they were like we’re done that I’d be all discouraged and then I’m like, No, you can do it for yourself too. The moms that are listening out there. Your kids maybe aren’t going to want to decorate the tree with you this year. I did find that they got older and they didn’t want to decorate it. I’d be decorating it by myself and I’d be really lonely. And I’d be like a martyr and feel sorry for myself to decorate it.
Sheryl
But that’s a good example of inviting a friend, you want to decorate the tree with me? Or how can we make it meaningful for ourselves? I have to tell one last story. There was a mom yesterday, I was doing a Facebook Live. And I really felt for her. She was saying how her kids never like what she buys them. And how one of her kids even cried. And she said, and he had even asked me for the gift. And then he didn’t like it. I was thinking about how can we set our kids up for success, where we’re maybe even asking them what they want? I’m very specific with my family, like exactly what do you want, maybe take a picture, send me a link because I was always buying things and nobody liked it, and then I would be so disappointed.
Sheryl
And then she says, nobody buys me anything. I go to the store, sometimes I put it on hold. Like, this is what I do, my gift is sitting there waiting. That seems to be a big deal with moms. We know it’s not all about the gift. But I just had to speak to that, because I just felt for that mom. And that is a lot of pressure and it’s very hard to buy gifts for people.
Sheryl
So also do those things for ourselves. Even if our families are gonna come alongside. So any final words of encouragement for our listeners?
Becky
I just love this conversation, because it’s got my wheels turning, and I’m getting excited about heading into the holidays, and just trying to apply what we’ve talked about – to simplify, to make sure that I’m staying on track with what kind of experience that I want to have personally – like what you were saying, and then also with my family. So I think just taking the time to think about it and talk about it is such a big first step.
Sheryl
Yes, it is. It’s great. And I thought I want to go to the Botanic Gardens light show. I’ve always wanted to go.
Becky
That’s the kind of thing that we need to do is just get it on the calendar, plan it and then make it happen. And then make sure to leave extra space on the calendar for nothing, because so often, the times that I appreciate the most often are times when we’re just sitting around after dinner, and we start playing a game or we start laughing or talking or whatever, those are moments that aren’t even scheduled. But if we don’t have that whitespace in our calendar to just sort of being in that we have to clean up and get ready and go somewhere, then I think that’s another way to experience the joy that is not scheduled or planned ahead of time. It just kind of happens.
Sheryl
I love that because I do think that we tend to make a bigger deal out of things. And then maybe everybody doesn’t want to go or whatever, but just like being together. That’s what we really remember the most. Thanks, Becky, for coming on again.
Becky
Thank you. It’s great to talk with you.
