To the Mom Who Judges Herself Too Harshly: How to Let Go of Mom Guilt

How many of us have wondered whether other people are judging us for our imperfect parenting? Who among us hasn’t felt vulnerable and exposed as a parent? I’d be rich if I had to bet.

The son who doesn’t comb his hair.

The daughter whose skirt is too short.

The fear of other parents finding out your kid got caught doing something you wish they hadn’t.

That’s just the start of a very long list. There are very few things more humbling than parenting.

As one mom put it, “I thought I was doing pretty well as a parent until my kid turned 12. Then I didn’t know what I was doing. I was entering foreign territory.“

As our kids grow older, parenting can become even more humbling. Admittedly, when my kids were young, it was easy to judge moms whose kids got in trouble or struggled with certain behaviors. Today, it’s a completely different story.

If you’re like me and have a kid who has struggled with depression, ADHD, anxiety, substance use, or anything like it, you understand the guilt and emotional struggle that come with it. You understand the blame we can place on ourselves: the what-ifs, the things we could have done differently to change our kid’s struggles.

Maybe your kid lacks self-confidence, chooses a bad boyfriend or girlfriend, comes home with a tattoo, or does poorly in school. Maybe they made a choice about sex or alcohol, and you beat yourself up for not being more vigilant. I’ve heard all of these stories, along with the tendency we moms have to replay what we could have done differently. Whatever it is, you may have asked yourself:

• “How did this happen?”
• “What did I do wrong?”
• “What did I miss?”
• “Was I too strict?”
• “Too lenient?”
• “Too distracted?”
• “If only I hadn’t reacted the way I did.”

I haven’t met a mom yet who hasn’t tormented herself with at least one of these questions. Why is it that when our kids struggle, we get a pit in our stomach and accuse ourselves of being bad moms?

It’s time to let go of the guilt and shame behind these voices and agree to stop blaming ourselves. It’s time to replace guilt with truth, so we can be empowered and learn something.

6 comforting truths at a glance

• We are all imperfect parents.
• You have loved your kids with all your heart.
• You don’t have as much control as you think.
• You deserve grace too.
• “Good enough” is enough.
• Guilt can spark positive change.

What does research say about mom guilt and self-compassion?

Being hard on ourselves doesn’t make us better moms. In a study of parents raising kids with autism, parents who were kinder to themselves reported more life satisfaction and hope, and less depression and stress, and self-compassion mattered more for their well-being than how severe their kid’s symptoms were. It was a small study, but it points to something important: how we treat ourselves shapes how we cope.

Trying to be perfect can also wear us down. Researchers who study parental burnout have found that chronic parenting stress can lead to exhaustion, and burned-out parents were more likely to become emotionally distant or lash out. As the lead researcher put it, being a perfect parent is impossible, and trying to be one can lead to exhaustion. Grace isn’t a luxury. It helps us show up for our kids.

Comforting truths to hold on to when you slip into the guilt pit

1. We are all imperfect parents

Could all of us have done some things better? Yep. Maybe we’ve made some mistakes and messed up a few things. We could have been more patient, handled situations differently, or yelled less. I confess I have a laundry list I’d go back and redo if I could. We all do.

2. Remind yourself of what is true

Let’s proclaim that we have loved our kids, though not perfectly, to the best of our ability and with all our hearts. We’d jump in front of a train, give a kidney (or two), or cut off our right arm if it would keep our kids safe and happy.

We’ve changed diapers, endured countless sleepless nights, and prayed and worried that we weren’t doing enough. We’ve made lunches, grocery shopped, cooked dinners, driven them all over town (or across states), attended recitals and school events, done homework we didn’t know how to do, and worked hard at our jobs, some of us just to put food on the table and buy the “right” kind of shoes.

3. You don’t have as much control as you think

Could we be missing out by trying so hard to preserve an image of how things were supposed to look that we miss the blessings right in front of us?

Motherhood is a minefield of situations over which we have limited control. I’m not sure why we tend to blame ourselves. Perhaps it gives us a feeling of control when we feel out of control. Perhaps we like to analyze and find explanations. The truth is, we don’t have as much control as we think we do. Maybe it’s time to value being real and authentic, and release ourselves from the unrealistic images and expectations we’ve clung to.

4. Have some grace toward yourself

As I write this, I’m filled with deep compassion and tenderness for each of us. When our kids are struggling, or have made choices we can’t understand or didn’t expect, we can feel like we’re drowning in a sea of regret, should-haves, and if-onlys.

We need to stop and practice being more self-compassionate, kind, and grace-filled (here are 5 ways to stop beating yourself up). We’re all human, and it’s time to be nicer to ourselves. Remind yourself that you have done, and are doing, the best you can.

Try saying to yourself: “I’m doing the best I can with what I know today. I love my kid, and I’m still learning.”

5. Give yourself permission to be a “good enough” mom

Sometimes nothing is more humbling, and more redeeming, than falling on our faces. My own mother made some significant mistakes, and while I once carried hurt and anger, nothing humbled me more than stumbling in a similar place with my own kids. It brought healing and compassion to our relationship.

The best antidote to mom guilt is permission to be “good enough,” and to kick shame and blame out the door. When it comes to binding us together and creating a safe place as women, nothing is more powerful than being courageously authentic. It takes humility to admit our weaknesses and admit that we don’t have all the answers. Wouldn’t we all feel less lonely if we just admitted that?

6. Use your guilt to spark positive change

Rather than punishing ourselves with blame or regret, let’s think about what we can do in this moment, one day at a time. When you notice guilt whispering, “You’re a bad mom,” ask yourself how you can take responsibility to improve your relationships and the way you communicate. Here are a few ideas:

• Remember that the present moment is the only place you can truly be. Replaying the past won’t change it. Focus on the moment.
• Become the kind of person and parent you want to be moving forward. How do you want to show up today: kind, patient, joyful, peaceful, more mindful?
• Be kind to yourself. Remember you’re human.
• Love and accept your kids no matter what.
• Admit when you’re wrong, apologize if you need to, or ask for a redo.

With your tween or teen, try: “I didn’t handle that well earlier, and I’m sorry. Can we have a redo?”

When is it more than mom guilt?

Guilt that comes and goes is part of loving our kids. But talk with your doctor or a counselor if guilt or sadness sticks around most days, if you feel hopeless or worthless, if you’re exhausted and emotionally checked out from your family, or if you can’t stop replaying the past. Parental burnout and depression are real, and getting help is a gift to your whole family. If you ever feel hopeless or have thoughts of hurting yourself, call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

Questions moms ask about mom guilt

Is it my fault my teen is struggling?

Usually, no single person or decision causes a kid’s struggles. Genetics, temperament, friends, school, and life events all play a part. What you can do is stay connected, get support, and keep loving them through it.

How do I stop feeling like a bad mom?

Notice the voice that says “bad mom” and answer it with what’s true. Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a friend, focus on one small step you can take today, and connect with other moms who get it.

What does it mean to be a “good enough” mom?

It means loving your kids, showing up, making mistakes, and repairing them, without needing to be perfect. Kids don’t need a perfect mom. They need a real one who keeps coming back to connection.

How do I stop comparing myself to other moms?

Remember that you only see the highlight reel of other families. Limit social media if it’s feeding the comparison, and find a community where moms are honest about the hard parts. You’ll quickly see you’re not the only one.

Good enough is enough

Let’s rally the war cry at the top of our lungs: “We are good enough, and ‘good enough’ is enough!” Let’s break free and be imperfectly who we are, giving and receiving the grace, love, and forgiveness we need as we learn, grow, and blossom every day. And let’s do the same for our kids and the others in our lives.

I’m praying you feel God’s grace for yourself today, Mama. If you’d like support as you grow in how you parent and communicate, please reach out. You don’t have to do this alone. For more encouragement, read The 4 Family Roles Kids Play and What Each Tween or Teen Needs and Teen Mood Swings? 3 Ways to Find the Hidden Blessing Behind the Drama.

xo Sheryl

About Sheryl Gould: Sheryl is the founder of Moms of Tweens and Teens and a Parent and Relationship Coach with 18 years of experience helping moms stay connected to their kids through the tween and teen years. She’s a mom of three, author of SOS! The Technology Guidebook for Parents of Tweens and Teens, and host of the Moms of Tweens and Teens podcast.