The Parent-Teen Connection: Transforming Parent-Teen Relationships with Susan Caso
Parenting a teenager isn’t easy. Maybe your teen used to talk to you about everything, and now they’re constantly in their room and barely say a word. Or maybe every conversation seems to turn into an argument, and you’re struggling to connect and you’re unsure how to improve your parent-teen relationship. If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone—and today’s episode is for you.
I’m thrilled to have Susan Caso join us on the podcast. Susan is a therapist, consultant, and speaker with over 20 years of experience helping parents, teens, and families strengthen their relationships. She’s here to share insights from her new book, The Parent-Teen Connection: How to Build Lifelong Family Relationships, endorsed by Children’s Hospital Colorado and Crisis Text Line.
In this conversation, Susan shares actionable strategies for building trust, creating emotional safety, and fostering a sense of belonging within your family. We dive into the challenges parents face when their teens push them away and how to overcome these obstacles to form lifelong bonds.
“The Parent-Teen Connection: How to Build Lifelong Family Relationships” by Susan Caso.
Let’s dive in!
Where to find Susan:
Website: https://susancaso.com/
Get Her Book: The Parent-Teen Connection
Interested in our Moms of Tweens and Teens Book Club? Reach out to me, Sheryl, at [email protected]
Transcribed Episode:
Sheryl:
Welcome, everyone, to today’s episode! And if you’re here and you’re a parent of a teenager, you know how challenging these years can be. Maybe your teen used to talk to you about everything—or most things—and now they’re constantly in their rooms and barely saying a word. Or if they do, they’re rolling their eyes. Or maybe it feels like all you do is argue, and if you’re honest, you’re not even liking them very much right now. Or maybe you’re feeling really discouraged because you’ve tried everything to make things better, but nothing seems to be working.
Well, if any of this sounds familiar, I’m so glad that you are listening today, because we have Susan Caso with us, and she just came out with this fantastic book. For those of you watching, you can see her book—it is awesome—and it’s called The Parent-Teen Connection: How to Build Lifelong Family Relationships, endorsed by Children’s Hospital Colorado and the Crisis Text Line.
Susan is a therapist and a speaker. She has over 20 years in clinical practice, and she has been helping parents, teens, and families find the feeling of connectedness that creates heartfelt interactions. And today, Susan is going to share with us what you can do to build trust with your teens, overcome any obstacles, strengthen your relationship, and safeguard your kids in today’s world.
So, welcome, Susan, to the show. I’m so excited that you’re here!
Susan:
Thank you so much for having me.
Sheryl:
Tell us a little bit about yourself. I know you have three kids—how did you become a therapist? How did you come to write this book?
Susan:
I live in Boulder, Colorado, and I’ve been a therapist for over 20 years. And yes, I have three kids—26, 21, and 11.
Sheryl:
Wow, a fun household with them all there.
Susan:
Yes, because the two older kids are gone a lot, so I feel so full—my heart’s full—when they’re all together. We have so much fun, especially for the holidays, having everybody sleep in the same house. When they get older, you don’t get that as much.
Sheryl:
I don’t. And when the older ones leave, there’s like this heartbreak. My heart sinks a little bit, and I get into a funk for a couple of days. Like, okay, it’s over, they’re gone.
Susan:
But I have my little one, and I’m so thankful for her.
Sheryl:
Yes, so what’s the age gap?
Susan:
It’s 14 years between the youngest and the oldest, and then 10 years between the middle and the youngest.
Sheryl:
Okay, because I have a nine-year gap and then a six-year gap. My kids are a little older now, but it was sweet when the teen was going through their challenging years, and I still had the younger one who liked me. That timing worked out well.
Susan:
Oh, you’re so funny.
Sheryl:
That time where they may not like you as much, or they just want their own space—and all of that is normal.
Susan:
Yes, it’s very normal.
Sheryl:
We need to hear that. It’s normal. Don’t panic. So anyway, keep going. We digressed. You’ve been in practice for over 20 years, you’re in Boulder—what led you to write the book?
Susan:
I see the same patterns, the same negative cycles of interaction between parents and teens. I looked at what I was doing in session that worked to create stronger bonds, and I decided to put that in a book to reach more people. There are so many barriers for parents to access help, whether it’s financial barriers, access to services, or even stigma preventing them from reaching out. This book eliminates those barriers to getting help.
Sheryl:
Before we started recording, I said it seems like you wrote this out of your experience and knowing what parents really need. When I read it, I thought, gosh, you hit all the points moms in our membership and communities struggle with. It’s a powerful book—so rich.
Why is this so hard? It sounds like it should be easy—connecting with our kids. We want that more than anything. But especially when they’re teens, so much is changing. Can you touch on why it’s harder than we feel like it should be?
Susan:
I think we have to really look at our teens and the changes they’re going through. We also have to adjust. As parents, we think, “Oh, they’re always our babies.” But in the teen years, things shift. Parents’ feelings get hurt when their kids don’t want to hang out with them anymore. But this is normal—they’re supposed to venture out and find their people, their social circle.
That doesn’t mean they don’t need you anymore. They still need connection every single day. Simple things like checking in, having dinner together—those are protective factors.
Sheryl:
We’re so busy, and our kids are in so many activities. There’s so much pressure. And you touch on that in the book, too.
Susan:
Yes, and it’s changed so much over the years. Even between my older kids and my youngest, there’s a big difference. Social media, academic pressure—it’s so different now.
Sheryl:
Gone are the days when kids could just play and enjoy activities without so much pressure.
Susan:
Exactly. The bar keeps getting raised higher and higher. Kids need time to be kids.
Sheryl:
Your book isn’t about poo-pooing activities or achievements, but it helps us focus on what really matters—connection.
Susan:
Exactly. Connection is what protects kids.
Sheryl:
You talk about belonging in your book—that being part of a family doesn’t automatically give a sense of belonging. Can you expand on that?
Susan:
Belonging is a basic human need, and it’s not automatic just because you’re in a family. Kids need to feel that they matter, that they’re valued and liked. It’s about intentionally cultivating that sense of belonging through how we interact with them daily.
We talk about belonging in schools, in the workplace, in the community—but we don’t talk enough about belonging in the home, which is the most important place. When kids feel like they truly belong, they thrive. It’s not just about being a family member; it’s about making sure they feel welcome, valued, and accepted for who they are.
Sheryl:
I love that. And you say in the book that parents sometimes unintentionally send messages that make their kids feel like they don’t belong. Can you give some examples?
Susan:
Sure. It could be things like judgment, criticism, or sarcasm. Sometimes siblings tease, and parents might even join in, thinking it’s lighthearted fun—but it can make the child feel excluded or unwelcome. It could also be yelling or dismissiveness.
If you think about it, if someone outside the home treated your child that way, you’d step in and protect them. But at home, we might not realize the impact it’s having. We need to reflect on how we communicate and make sure we’re sending messages that affirm their place in the family.
Sheryl:
That’s so powerful. I remember a therapist once asking me, “Where does your child feel like they fit in your family?” It really made me think because I wasn’t sure. It’s such an important question.
Susan:
It is. Kids want to know that they’re valued for who they are—not just for what they do. Belonging is about emotional safety, feeling accepted, and knowing you matter.
Sheryl:
You also talk about the difference between the “parent” role and the “mom” or “dad” role in your book. Can you explain that?
Susan:
Yes. The “parent” role is about structure—setting rules, expectations, and holding kids accountable. It’s necessary, but if that’s all we do, it can feel like a performance review.
The “mom” or “dad” role is about connection—showing warmth, care, and affection. It’s about spending quality time together and enjoying each other’s company. Both roles are important, but if we lean too heavily on the “parent” role, we risk damaging the relationship.
Sheryl:
That makes so much sense. Another concept you talk about is the “volley” between parents and kids. What does that mean?
Susan:
The “volley” comes from the concept of serve and return. When our kids are infants, they cry or reach out, and we respond by meeting their needs. That’s how bonds are formed.
As kids grow, the volley changes—it becomes more about emotional connection. They might not cry, but they still reach out in their own way. It’s our job to be attuned, listen, and respond. That back-and-forth builds trust and strengthens the relationship.
Sheryl:
I love that imagery—it’s such a clear way to think about connection. Another topic you address is vulnerability versus transparency. Can you explain the difference and why it matters?
Susan:
Yes. Vulnerability often implies risk—opening yourself up to potential judgment or rejection. But with our kids, we want to create emotional transparency, where they feel safe sharing without fear of those things.
When a child hesitates to open up, it’s usually because they’re feeling vulnerable. That’s our cue to lean in, reassure them, and let them know we’re here to listen without judgment. Transparency builds trust and deepens connection.
Sheryl:
That’s such an important distinction. It’s about creating safety so they can be their authentic selves with us.
Susan:
Exactly. When kids feel accepted—warts and all—it strengthens their sense of self-worth and their bond with us.
Sheryl:
You also talk about the importance of allowing kids to make mistakes while they’re still at home. Can you expand on that?
Susan:
Mistakes are a critical part of learning and growth. When kids make mistakes at home, it gives us the opportunity to guide them and help them learn without harsh consequences.
If we swoop in to fix everything, they miss out on those valuable lessons. It’s important to let them struggle a bit and figure things out while knowing we’re there to support them.
Sheryl:
That’s so true. I’ve seen that with my own kids—letting them stumble and then helping them process it. It builds resilience.
Susan:
Exactly. Resilience comes from overcoming challenges, not avoiding them.
Sheryl:
I wish we had more time because your book is so rich with insights. But before we wrap up, is there anything else you want parents to take away from this conversation?
Susan:
I want parents to know that they don’t have to be perfect. It’s not about perfection—it’s about connection. Small, consistent efforts can make a big difference in your relationship with your kids.
Greet them warmly when they come home. Hug them. Let them know you’re happy to see them. Those little things create a foundation of love and trust. And remember, it’s never too late to strengthen your connection with your child.
Sheryl:
That’s so encouraging—thank you, Susan. Tell us where people can find your book and connect with you.
Susan:
You can find The Parent-Teen Connection wherever books are sold—on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or your local bookstore. You can also visit my website at susancaso.com, or follow me on Instagram @susan.caso.
Sheryl:
Thank you so much, Susan. This conversation has been amazing, and I know it’s going to help so many parents.
Susan:
Thank you—it’s been a pleasure to be here.
