Dealing With School Refusal
What do you do when you can’t get your tween or teen to go to school?
School refusal can be one of the most frustrating and concerning challenges for parents. Whether it’s driven by anxiety, social issues, academic struggles, or a simple push for autonomy, a tween or teen who refuses to go to school can leave parents feeling helpless. While this can be difficult, there are things that you can do to approach the situation with both compassion and firm expectations, helping your child work through their challenges while making school attendance non-negotiable.
1. Stay Calm and Avoid Power Struggles
It’s easy to react with frustration when your tween or teen refuses to go to school, but arguing, yelling, or threatening won’t solve the problem. Instead, take a deep breath and approach the conversation with curiosity:
• “I notice you’ve been struggling to get to school. Can you tell me what’s going on?”
• “What’s making it hard for you to go today?”
• “How can we work together to make school feel more manageable?”
By staying calm, you create a safe space for your tween or teen to open up rather than digging their heels in further.
2. Don’t Make Staying Home Fun
One of the most important things to remember is that home should not be more enjoyable than school. If your tween or teen refuses to go, avoid allowing them to play video games, watch TV, or have access to their phone and social media during school hours. Instead, implement clear expectations:
• If they stay home, they must rest, complete schoolwork, or do quiet activities like reading or journaling.
• No electronics or entertainment until after school hours.
• If possible, they should complete any missed assignments at home.
By making school refusal feel less appealing, you reduce the temptation to stay home just because it’s easier or more enjoyable.
3. Identify the Root Cause
School refusal is rarely just about not wanting to go. There is often an underlying issue that needs to be addressed. Some common reasons include:
• Anxiety: Fear of failure, social anxiety, or separation anxiety.
• Bullying: A fear of being mistreated or excluded.
• Academic Struggles: Feeling overwhelmed by assignments or a lack of understanding.
• Social Issues: Struggles with friendships or peer pressure.
• Sleep or Health Issues: Exhaustion from poor sleep habits or an underlying medical issue.
Try to identify patterns. Does your tween or teen refuse on certain days (like when they have a test or social event)? Are they complaining of physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches? These can be signs of stress or anxiety.
4. Work with the School for Support
Once you have a better idea of what’s causing school refusal, reach out to the school for help. Depending on the situation, options might include:
• Talking with the school counselor or social worker.
• Requesting a meeting with teachers to discuss concerns.
• Exploring academic accommodations if needed.
• Looking into a 504 plan or IEP for anxiety or other challenges.
Many schools have resources in place to help kids who struggle with attendance, but they can’t help if they don’t know what’s going on.
5. Use Gradual Exposure for Anxiety-Related Refusal
If anxiety is the driving factor behind school refusal, a gradual return plan may be helpful. Instead of expecting them to go back for a full day immediately, start small:
• Have them go for a half-day or a specific class they enjoy.
• Arrange for them to check in with a teacher or counselor upon arrival.
• Offer a reward system for successful attendance.
Small steps can help build confidence and reduce anxiety over time.
6. Consider Professional Support
If school refusal persists despite your best efforts, professional support might be necessary. A therapist or counselor can help your tween or teen develop coping strategies for anxiety, social stress, or academic struggles. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is particularly effective in treating school anxiety.
7. Stay Consistent and Keep Expectations Clear
One of the biggest mistakes parents make is being inconsistent with school expectations. If your tween or teen refuses one day and faces no real consequences, they’re more likely to try again. Be clear that attending school is not optional. If they refuse to go, set expectations such as:
• Making up any missed work at home.
• Early bedtime if they miss school due to “not feeling well.”
• No access to fun activities during school hours.
Resources for Parents
If you’re struggling with school refusal, these books and blog posts offer valuable guidance:
Books:
• The Explosive Child by Ross Greene – A great resource for understanding behavior struggles.
•Helping Your Anxious Teen: Positive Parenting Strategies to Help Your Teen Beat Anxiety, Stress, and Worry by Sheila Achar Josephs PhD
• Helping Your Anxious Child by Ronald Rapee – Offers practical strategies for parents.
• What to Do When You Worry Too Much by Dawn Huebner – A helpful workbook for kids with anxiety.
School refusal is a challenge, but with patience, consistency, and the right support, most tweens and teens can overcome it. By setting clear expectations, addressing the root cause, and working with the school, you can help your child build resilience and confidence to face their fears.
If you are struggling with getting your tween or teen to go to school, please reach out to me at [email protected] or consider learning more and joining our Moms of Tweens and Teens Community HERE!
